Pushing, insults: between them, the children test each other’s limits with bad words and inappropriate gestures… and very often go beyond them. This is where arguments occur to which a large number of adults react in the same way by uttering a phrase like: “Go and apologize quickly!” What could be more logical?
But what seems perfectly logical to an adult is not necessarily logical to a child. A University of Michigan study observed children aged four to nine and analyzed their reactions when they were coerced into apologizing. Result: When a child is forced to apologize, the main goal, which is to repent and repair the relationship, is lost.
Additionally, a child notices if the apologetic expression is insincere. According to researchers, this can accentuate the rejection of the child who apologizes by his victim. “Forcing your child to apologize can backfire,” says Craig Smith, author of the study and researcher at the UM Center for Human Growth and Development. He adds: “Other children don’t see those who apologize as sympathetic.”
In one of her videos on Instagram, the famous psychologist and parental advisor Becky Kennedy She also advises against forcing a child to apologize. “Refusing to apologize is not a sign that your child is heartless or mean, but rather that he or she is experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt,” she says.
Rather than insisting on apologies, she says it’s better to acknowledge the child’s feelings and lead by example by suggesting a possible apology.
The study’s findings also suggest that it’s more constructive to look for ways for children to learn to empathize with the victim and thus be able to sincerely apologize. “Make sure the child understands why the other person feels bad. And make sure they’re genuinely ready to apologize,” Smith says. So it takes time for children to be ready to apologize. It’s not automatic.
As a parent or caregiver, you can also show your child different ways of doing things: “Apologizing is one way, but there are many other possibilities.
Studies show that even preschoolers appreciate it when the child who made the wrong word or gesture tries to make up for it with action. “It’s sometimes more effective than words.” As a parent, you can also support your child in this process and help them, for example, to rebuild the Lego tower that they dropped.
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