“The more time passes, the more my relationship with Sarah deteriorates,” laments Isabelle, 58, speaking of her daughter, who has just turned 30. When she was little, we had a very close relationship. As a teenager, it wasn’t always easy, but we maintained a strong bond. Today, even though we live in the same city, we rarely see each other, only for family events with his brothers. And every time it’s the same: she barely says hello to me, rolls her eyes when I speak, turns to someone else when I try to start a conversation with her. I feel rejected, denigrated by my daughter. She is toxic! »
She is toxic!
Toxic. The word is out. And he is strong. It means “which acts like a poison”. And, if it is frequently used to describe the relationships between mothers and their daughters, it is used less in the opposite sense.
“In the mother/daughter relationship we speak of “maternal ravage”, explains Valérie Blanco, psychoanalyst* because the mother who carries the child can see him as her object, an extension of herself, and not as a different person. and autonomous. This, even more so when it is a girl because she is of the same sex, there is this notion of “the same”. »
A lesser known context
However, mothers do not have a monopoly on harmfulness. And the converse also exists. “The daughter builds herself largely in relation to her mother, which can promote the mirror relationship,” continues Valérie Blanco. This mirrored relationship has the defect of emphasizing similarity, the identical, the “same as the same”, instead of emphasizing difference and otherness. This creates the basis for unconscious rivalry. The more there is fusion, the more there is confusion, the more there is a risk of rivalry and therefore possible reactions from the girl to break away. »
Thus, the attitudes of rejection and aggression of girls of all ages towards their mothers can hide a visceral need to escape from this mirrored relationship. And the more close the relationship is, the more the girl risks needing to go through violence, criticism, denigration, flight, rejection, to find her place, and exist as an autonomous, capable adult. to make your own choices. Normally it is during adolescence that this separation occurs, leaving the world of childhood and questioning parental values to choose one’s own. But today, with adolescence being longer and longer, this continues into young adults and sometimes well beyond!
She continued to criticize me to the rest of the family
Especially since the codes have changed and current lifestyles – romantically, professionally, parentally, etc. – can shake up the constructions of certain mothers. Particularly those who, still very “glued” to their adult daughters, imagine that the latter will follow the path that they had imagined for them.
This is what happened to Juliette, 55 years old. “When Jaya told me that she didn’t want children for environmental reasons but also because she didn’t want to sacrifice herself for nothing like I had done, I took it in stride. figure. Not only did she tell me that I wouldn’t have grandchildren, which made me very sad, but also that what I had given her didn’t suit her. I suffered from depression that lasted for months. I was going around in a loop, questioning all my life choices. And during this complicated period, Jaya did not at all try to come back to me to renew the dialogue. On the contrary, she continued to criticize me to the rest of the family. »
Take a step back from the situation
Valérie Blanco often sees mothers who complain that their daughters denigrate them, make them suffer through their aggressive attitudes, or push them aside. “A mother who is fairly solid in her personal development and fulfilled in her life as a woman is generally capable – even if it takes a little time – of taking a step back, of questioning herself, of not taking things for her to question her vision. But if she is not, or is going through a period of vulnerability like we all go through, particularly around fifty, she may feel completely shaken up in her identity by her daughter’s choices, which is very painful and actually acts as a poison. »
I know I’d better stop writing to him, but it’s beyond me
Among the periods of vulnerability there is, of course, that of the departure of children, menopause, marital problems, professional difficulties sometimes leading to burn-out, or even the illness of one’s own parents. “I had just been laid off when Lola announced to me that she was leaving her permanent contract to go around the world with a friend she had just met because, in her own words, she refused to “stay in this rotten system and become a follower sheep like you,” recalls Virginie.
We were on the terrace of a café. I got up and left. I could not, in addition to the humiliations I had endured at work, accept that my daughter treated me like this. It was two years ago. Since then, we haven’t spoken again. I tried to contact her several times but in response I received insults. I know I’d better stop writing to him, but I can’t help it. I’m in so much pain from this breakup. »
Be kind
So how can you manage to keep perspective, not let yourself be overwhelmed by your daughter’s temporary or permanent aggressiveness, and build or maintain a more or less balanced relationship? “By cultivating otherness and differentiation,” answers Valérie Blanco. The pitfall of the mother/daughter relationship is complicity. We all dream of this with our daughters. But to achieve it, you must not look for it because the risk is to fall into the mirror relationship which is a source of toxicity and suffering. »
For example, it means highlighting qualities or interests in your daughter that you don’t have, to show her that she has a unique place in the world. Tell her that we are different from her, but that we respect her choice of not wanting to be an employee or to change partners very regularly. But also, if we are not in a period of great fragility, try to let ourselves be questioned, enriched by this different vision instead of remaining fixed in our beliefs. For this, dialogue is obviously essential, in order to put words in place of unskillful behavior or reactions.
We are never obliged to inflict a painful relationship on ourselves.
But there are limits: if this relationship involves too much suffering, and if, despite attempts at adaptation and dialogue, the toxicity remains, you can also choose to move away from your daughter, either by cutting off the relationship, for a longer or shorter time, or by taking a significant distance. “We are never obliged to inflict a painful relationship on ourselves,” concludes Valérie Blanco. The mother/daughter relationship is not an obligation.”
Seeing each other less but better, avoiding face-to-face meetings which can be confining, that’s the choice Virginie made. “Before, I had lunch every week with Élise, it was our little ritual. But more and more often it turned into a settling of scores. She reproached me, threw barbs at me. Without realizing it, I spaced out these lunches. Since then, we only see each other with other people, and everything is going well. Our relationship is certainly less regular, but healthier. And it’s much more pleasant to live with. »
*Author of “Divan words” and “The divan effect” (Ed. L’Harmattan)
