Male detox: When women decide to wean themselves off men

This “boy sober” movement was popularized on TikTok by Hope Woodward. This actress and comedian based in New York has decided to abstain from any romantic relationships with men in 2024. “My whole life I’ve said, ‘I’m single, I’m single, I’m single.’ No, I’ve never been single, I’ve always been in a situation. You’re not single if someone’s taking up your brain space,” she says in a video posted on her TikTok. To keep up with her goal, Hope Woodward set rules, including “no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no ‘situationship’ and no hugs or kisses.”

The New Yorker is not an isolated case. On TikTok, several women, like her, testify to their desire to “boy sober”. According to them, this withdrawal would offer more freedom, would allow them to refocus on themselves, their fulfillment, their well-being. By removing sentimental complications from their daily lives, these women also hope to improve their mental health.

This trend coincides with a notable decline in the use of dating apps. Match Group, owner of Tinder (the world’s leading dating app), recorded an 8% drop in its paying subscribers in 2023. This downward trend is also affecting its competitors such as Bumble, Grindr and Hinge, reflecting a growing weariness with often superficial virtual dates. The journalist Judith Duportail, author of the book “Dating Fatigue” (Ed. de l’Observatoire), criticizes in an interview for 20 minutesthe automated journey of online dating which, according to her, “erases the ambivalence, finesse and ambiguity, which create the beauty of the encounter”.

That’s exactly the complaint made by Stacy, 21, who decided to quit dating apps due to a lack of depth and authenticity. “There are only one-night stands. I don’t see my interest in them,” she confides to ETX Majelan. But she didn’t wait for Boy Sober to have the spark. For two years, the young woman has decided to abstain from relationships to focus on her personal development. “I want to find myself, love myself more, before committing to a romantic relationship.” Douceline, 21, ended a romantic relationship to be able to take care of herself. “All my life I’ve taken care of others without thinking about myself. I owed myself this moment,” she tells ETX Majelan. “I go out when I want, I can travel with my friends, I can enjoy life to the fullest,” says Stacy. According to the young women, being single allows them to focus on their personal passions, their hobbies without the complications of a relationship. “Being in a relationship means having to think about each of your actions, and how they will be perceived by your partner. You have to think about everything you can and cannot do, what your actions can cause,” analyzes Douceline.

Natasha Silverman, relationship coach at Relate, asked by Cosmopolitanacknowledges that relationship burnout can be a sign that a break is in order: “Focus on what you love to do and the people who matter in your life.” She says people often turn to “dating and sex compulsively, or to numb negative feelings or low self-esteem.” She points out that these tendencies are usually a sign “it’s time to focus on yourself and how to take care of yourself«.

The choice of relational abstinence is not, however, free from prejudice. Lyria, who has chosen to be celibate for a year to concentrate on her professional career, notices a negative view of celibacy among women. “When a woman is single, society often tries to guess at the reasons, suggesting that she has a mental problem or is unstable,” she tells ETX Majelan.

Indeed, single women often face negative stereotypes. This is in any case what an American study published last year in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin on stereotypes about single women and men. “Single women are more discriminated against than single men,” the authors of the study conclude. Even if they are perceived by men and other women as fun, social or fulfilled, single women are also seen as frigid, demanding, bitter and difficult.

Lyria believes that women’s singlehood should be normalized, not marginalized. “We are not all these demeaning labels. Society forgets that we are whole beings.” Nevertheless, Stacy, Douceline and Lyria do not close themselves to the idea of ​​being a couple one day. But it is not their top priority.