After the death of our twins, our relationship almost fell apart, but here’s how we managed to stay together

The death of a child is an ordeal that many parents must face. This was the case of Melissa Fast, American writer, and her husband Lyle. In an essay for the Huffington Post, she recounted how her marriage was nearly destroyed by the loss of their twins, Nolan and Simone. Despite everything, they managed to get back on track and many years later, they are still together.

It was in their early twenties that Melissa and Lyle had to deal with the surprise pregnancy of their twins. Approximately five months after the announcement, she had to go to the hospital because of contractions. The couple learned that one of the babies’ sac had been ruptured. A situation which led to the death of both children and a long journey of mourning for both parents.

The incomprehension

In the first weeks after losing their twins, Melissa says she and her husband clung to each other, “shaking hands until their knuckles lose color.” A closeness that has weakened over the months to become almost non-existent. At that time, her husband took refuge in work, while she decided to take her mourning head on. So she started reading books on the subject to find solutions. During her research, she found that the divorce statistics for couples who had lost children did not work in her favor. So she tried to broach the subject with Lyle, without success. Whenever she talked about Nolan and Simone, he wouldn’t look at her and would find something to do. It was there that she understood how couples who experienced such tragedy ended up separating.

Melissa therefore decided to embark on therapy, also in the hope that her partner would join her. But again, it didn’t work. “Couples grieve very differently. Have you considered the fact that he just isn’t ready to talk about the twins?”, his therapist asked him before continuing: “You need to talk about Nolan and Simone because you process your emotions by talking, but Lyle needs to process first and talk later. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t suffer. You must respect these differences.” If Melissa initially thought it was a cop-out for her psychologist, she eventually understood.

What changed everything

A month after this session, she and Lyle enjoyed an exceptional winter moment when the sun appeared. The couple sat on the porch of their house to enjoy it. If the silence weighed on him, Lyle finally asked his wife if they should get rid of their van, which was too big, before finally admitting that every time he laid eyes on the vehicle, he thought “to everything they had lost.” This conversation was a pivotal moment for Melissa: “I am so grateful that Lyle finally shared his thoughts that evening. Our van reminded him of everything that would never be, what was too hard for him every day. For me, the van made me feel connected to Nolan and Simone, and gave me another way to manifest their existence in this world, just like saying their names out loud.”

Finally, Melissa understood that the suffering was equally great on both sides: “With that brief interaction, Lyle let me know that the twins were as important to him as they were to me. Each of our reactions also showed that shared pain and loss can be very different and isolating..” Following this, their relationship often consisted of simple cohabitation, exchanging only a few furtive words and turning their backs on each other in bed. But sometimes they would stand in the hallway of their house and hug each other, holding on tight. Today, many years have passed and Melissa and Lyle share new moments of happiness together. Their conversations on the porch became almost daily special moments: “Life is calmer and less intense than it has been and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s comforting to know that no one knows me better than Lyle.”