“I was incapable of anything”

Paris Match. Your fight against endometriosis began in 2015. You were 33 when your gynecologist detected an abnormality on your ovaries. Emergency surgery following an ectopic pregnancy, the verdict fell: you suffered from endometriosis. A word that was rarely used at the time, did you know it?
Lorie Pester. I didn’t know about it at all, I had never heard of it. I immediately went to Google to find out more.

This is how you learn about the consequences of this disease, leading to difficulty in getting pregnant. You finally achieved it in 2020 with your companion Yann Dernaucourt following a PMA (medically assisted procreation) course, a long battle?
Before trying PMA, we tried naturally for 8-10 months but it didn’t work. We couldn’t waste too much time because of the endometriosis that spreads every time the period returns. It was at this moment that we started the PMA. We were very lucky. I know couples who struggle for ten years. For our part, after the second time it worked.

You nicknamed your endometriosis « Endy »a way to familiarize yourself with it?
Endometriosis is like roommates. A person who invited himself into my body. I have to make my professional and personal schedule based on that every day.

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Speaking of work, in your book you recount a day of filming for the series « Tomorrow is yours ». On set, you try to act as if everything is fine, hiding your pain from others. Why did you choose to keep this illness quiet?
In this environment, things move very quickly. If they find out that you are sick, they don’t offer you any more roles. I wanted to keep it a secret so as not to delay the filming. Delays are money. When you are chosen for a role, they trust you, I wanted to remain professional until the end.

You hide your suffering at work but also from those close to you. « Relive » you admit to hiding your pain from your mother. A way of convincing yourself that everything is fine?
People have their problems, their worries… I’m not going to bother them with mine. At first I just thought it was normal to be in this much pain. I have always learned to see the positive, the good side of things. In the end I was lying to myself a little. In front of the doctors I continued to lie, until they said to me: “Listen to yourself”. That’s how I realized the degree of my pain and started to live with it.

During your battle with endometriosis, you faced scorn from a doctor. He spoke of « fashionable disease » and reduced your suffering. At the time, you say you didn’t respond. Today, if he repeated his remarks, what would you say to him?
First of all, I would tell him to talk to me in a different tone. And then, “fashionable illness”, what is he talking about? There are other ways to be fashionable without going through suffering. If he were in front of me today, I would tell him to change jobs. He’s lucky, I don’t remember his name, otherwise, I would have given him a hell of a publicity stunt!

Because of endometriosis, you are missing out on many professional opportunities. How did you get through these long media breaks?
My pain quickly became daily. I had asked my doctor to prescribe a blood test. I was convinced that I was lacking something, I was exhausted and yet I was not in promotion, nor in concert, nor in filming. He simply answered me “Everything is fine, you are just exhausted because of this constant pain.” And it was precisely this state that prevented me from doing anything. I was incapable of anything.

During your pregnancy in 2020, « Endy » falls asleep and you finally get some respite. When little Nina was born, the pain returned. How did you reconcile this new role as a mother with your very debilitating illness?
We do what we can, we adapt. But of course I was afraid, afraid of being all alone and falling with her in my arms. At first, she wasn’t very heavy but I still had a lot of pain when I carried her. I was afraid all the time.

Endometriosis is finally starting to become an important topic, taken into consideration. For a long time this was not the case, women suffering from this disease were poorly supported, poorly understood… Why, do you think, this recognition took so long?
Already, some doctors are not at all empathetic, they do not listen. Then, the chapter on endometriosis has only existed for three or four years in the books studied in medicine. Doctors who have been practicing for a long time are not well informed, they do not know what it is about. Because of this medical wandering, endometriosis can take up to seven years before being diagnosed.

Beyond your professional life and your role as a mother, the illness has encroached on your intimate life. You confide in your book this absence of libido and the suffering of sexual relations. This is a very taboo subject among sick women, how did you get through these difficulties?
I am lucky to have a partner who listens and understands me. We communicate a lot, I tell him when I am well, when I am not and when I am in pain. It is essential to communicate, it is the most important thing.

Faced with permanent pain, the possibility of having your uterus removed becomes an obvious solution. You then go through many doubts, except for one: you don’t want more children.
At home, there is Nina and my partner’s son. So a boy and a girl is already great. Both have a lot of energy and our jobs with Yann [il est manager d’artistes] take our time. So we said to ourselves that two children was good. I couldn’t see myself going back on the PMA journey, with the injections of hormones, the doubt, the stress, the disappointment…

You hesitated for a long time about this hysterectomy operation. What were your fears?
There was something that scared me but I didn’t know exactly what. I called a psychologist friend who I see from time to time for hypnosis sessions. It was thanks to this that I understood that my subconscious had associated my uterus with my daughter. It’s normal in the end, it was her first house during the pregnancy. I subconsciously had the impression that if my uterus was removed, my daughter would also be taken away.

Once your fear is over, you rent a house near the clinic in Bordeaux to accommodate your daughter and your parents during your convalescence. At this time, Nina was not yet a year old. How did you explain this upheaval to him?
I have always told her everything, I explain to her in children’s words what is happening. It is important to talk to children, even very young ones. I feel like she understands me, maybe not all the words but the reassuring tone I use, she understands it. Recently, she asked me for a little brother. I tried to explain to her, from the height of her three and a half years, that it was not possible. I remember that she looked at me, said “ok” and she went back to playing.

How did you feel when she asked you for a little brother?
Oh la la… My stomach tightened and my throat tightened. It hurt me a lot, but I think she understood. She already has a big brother, that’s good. I was an only child and I was very happy.

Once your operation is over, it’s a release, the pain is gone. How do you feel today?
If I chose this title for the book “Revive”, it’s precisely because it really is a resurrection. I get up in the morning, I don’t have any pain. I no longer have this stress of asking myself “Am I going to fall today? Am I going to be operational on set? Am I going to be able to play with my daughter and run in the park?” I’m discovering a normal life that I didn’t know and it’s great.

Writing this book, what effect did it have on you? Was it therapeutic? A deliverance?
It did me good to write this book. I am all the happier because I have had several feedbacks from women who have told me that this reading had done them good too. I wanted to show that hope exists and I wanted to give it with this book, to tell all these women that they are not alone and that there are solutions.