the way I eat a cheeseburger disgusts people

Apparently, the way I eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger isn’t the most delicious. However, once you stop pretending to vomit on yourself, once you grow up a little, you will taste it. And you will find it wonderful.

Obviously, my colleagues have decided that today, watson was going to save journalism. Through meticulous investigations, revelations that will change the face of the world, interviews with decision-makers who weigh in? No. They asked me for an article about my “completely disgusting” way of eating my cheeseburger.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.

Brief. Let’s go for this story about “a PERFECTLY NORMAL way to enjoy a McDonald’s cheese that I WARMLY RECOMMEND”.

Anticipation

For a cheese to be perfect, I can’t just go to the nearest McDonald’s, order said item, gobble it down without emotion and move on. No. At home, enjoying such a burger (read in your head with Jonathan Cohen’s American accent) is a ritual. Because it’s worth it.

When you shove a Big Tasty Bacon menu down your throat, accompanied by nuggets, three curry sauces, a huge Coke, a McFlurry and indigestion, I’m just taking my loot at home. Just a cheeseburger. Sometimes two, if I’m in mode thug life. And that’s where my little secret comes into play.

The right utensil

And it’s…

…

THE FRIDGE.

That’s it, it’s said. I put my cheese in the fridge. A whole night, at least. So that it is cold, so that the bread becomes dry, so that the meat resembles a clump of wet cardboard, so that the cheese returns to its shape before cooking, so that the ketchup becomes solid like old gouache, and may the cucumber soften a little as you read this.

The appearance

Imagine that after several hours in the fridge, even the paper that covers the cheese becomes dry and hard, like bread. Sometimes it even gets stuck in dried ketchup, and you have to give it a quick tug to get the skin off. And if you leave it for several days, it’s even better.

Like wine, it gets better with time.

The advantage of eating this cold? From a pragmatic point of view, everything fits together nicely. There is no risk that the cucumber will leave while greedily crunching into this divine burger, since it is clogged in the ketchup. Kind of like throwing a shoe into a slab of freshly poured concrete and coming back the next day. It holds, the shoe and the concrete become one. Between ketchup and cucumber, it’s the same. So it’s impossible to stain yourself (unless you are Really a pig).

And I’m not talking about the play of textures… When it’s hot, you can swallow the cheese whole, like a Pom’Pote. There, you have to chew, chew, chew. It’s solid, it’s crunchy. And it gives your teeth a reason to exist, which you usually don’t need to summon to McDonald’s.

The tasting

And, above all, eating a cold cheese is just BETTER! Especially if it’s at 9:23 a.m., in the middle of a briefing. Oh yes, did I forget this detail? Cold cheese at the office is like brunch (without the champagne, and with people you don’t want to see on the weekend). It was actually at the start of a briefing, when I took a cheeseburger out of my left sleeve (yes, I had no pockets and my hands were full), that my colleagues decided that I was going to write on that. Sharing my innate sense of gastronomy with the world.

In short, then: cheese is eaten in the morning, at the office. And if it’s a little dry (which can happen, it depends on the humidity level in your fridge), don’t hesitate to accompany it with a coffee. Kawa + cheese = love.

The look of the others

Know that in addition to the deliciousness of the cold thing, eating cheese this way toughens you up. Already, because if you don’t die from it, it can only strengthen your immune defenses. And because it teaches you how to take it.

A boxer, he takes the blows, but he gets up. (Unless there’s a splinter on the floor in the cage #thetruissavent.) When you eat a cold cheese in the morning, obviously, it hasn’t been made right away. So obviously, we realize that you took it from home. So inevitably, people judge you and make comments that can hurt your little heart.

See? Must have the stomach with a strong heart to bear this. But hey, thanks to this experience, this rejection from society, today, I am no longer afraid of anything.

How did I get here?

I agree, it is an unconventional way of eating. “Why can’t she eat this normally? Does she need to be smart?”, you say to yourself. Know that, one, it’s not nice, and two, there is a rational explanation. Bobo-ecological, even. It was my almost visceral need to avoid food waste that pushed me, one day, to eat a cold cheese. #LisaMazzonelikesthis

Having had my eyes bigger than my stomach (that is to say after a Big Tasty Bacon menu, a McChicken and a McFlurry at Daim), reasonable, I decide not to eat this extra cheese and to put it in the fridge. “Tomorrow, a little microwave and it will be fine”, I said to myself, licking the salt from the fries stuck to my fingers. Except that the next day, in a baking impulse, I set fire to the microwave. No one warned me that I shouldn’t use the butter with the aluminum foil in it. IT’S OK, I KNOW.

With a dead microwave on your hands, how do you resurrect this poor cheese? In the pan, sautéed in charred butter? Great. In the oven, at the risk of setting it on fire too? Mmhh. Come on, I’ll bite into this cold burger.

A revelation.

I can’t eat it hot anymore

Since then, I only eat my cheese this way. Cold. Dry. And if possible with a coffee. Note also that my French origins push me to dip everything I can get my hands on in kawa. Of course, it’s often a croissant, but a cold cheese isn’t bad either. The warmth of the drink helps soften the bread, without altering the cardboard texture of the meat, which remains cold, like a tartare (but cooked, that is).

Judge me as much as you want. Or try, if you’re at all curious (and if you’ve made it this far, I’d like to believe you are). And I’ll see you soon (true story) to talk about my favorite crepe, Nutella-Gruyère.

Enjoy your meal’!

We like… “different” items?