The arrival of a baby is a real upheaval on all levels and can have significant consequences on the life of a couple or even, in certain situations, undermine the relationship between the two parents. Sometimes to the point of causing a breakup. Camille Kempen is a clinical psychologist, specializing in the field of childhood, adolescence and parenthood. We asked her about this marital crisis following the birth of the first child, also called “baby clash”.
The redefinition of “self”
Why can the arrival of a child be such a difficult time for some couples to manage? “Parenting plays an important part in our self “, explains Camille Kempen. Quesako?
To understand clearly, the psychologist gives us the image of the circle. “OUR self, our self, (that is to say the representation of ourselves: what I am, what I do) can be represented in the form of a circle. This circle has a well-defined size: it neither shrinks nor grows, it maintains the same size and the same shape throughout our lives. Inside this circle, we have lots of bubbles which are all constitutive elements of our identity: our personality, our needs, our desires, our passions, our job, our relationship… These bubbles evolve over time. time and take up more or less space. When that of parenthood is in turn included in the circle, it takes a very important place. We now also introduce ourselves as father or mother. As a result, all other bubbles shrink to make room for it, or even disappear.”
And here we have one of the first explanations for this “baby clash”. How can we be surprised that a birth causes quite a stir within the home when our very identity is redefined by the arrival of a baby?
Fatigue and emotions
Among other causes of these tensions that can appear in the couple, we must also take into account the fatigue, obviously sometimes extreme, encountered by certain parents, and the exacerbation of emotions that it causes. “Then, there are lots of personal questions that will arise: what kind of parent am I or am I going to be? Many childhood memories can also come to the surface, etc. We can be in the constant comparison with one’s own parents, one’s own experience. It is a complicated period where one is more sensitive, more tense, where one takes things more to heart.
Added to this very regularly is a lack of understanding of what the other person is experiencing: “We cannot always put ourselves in the other’s place, to understand what they are going through. We may think that the other’s position is more enviable than ours, which will generate a form of resentment.”
Multiple consequences
All of this data will create an imbalance in the couple. With consequences that can be more or less important depending on each person’s personality. The clinical psychologist warns in particular of the risk of “escalating arguments” which lead to nothing constructive: “These are the arguments where we talk and shout, without listening to the other. However, both parties need to be heard. Learning to listen to the other is essential.”
Sexuality can also be experienced in such a situation. “The libido is less present in women because of the sudden drop in hormones. We no longer necessarily have the time or the desire, which causes problems in terms of intimacy. But that’s normal, it ‘Being a parent is exhausting!’, reassures Camille Kempen. Who finally insists on the need to differentiate the marital couple from the parental couple. “Both are important and should be taken care of equally.” Faced with the “baby clash”, the help of a professional will very often be welcome… Whose job will mainly consist of delivering the keys to patients so that they can restore balance within their home.
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