Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss’ Widow Allison Holker Discovered His Drug Addiction in ‘Very Scary’ Moment Before Funeral (Exclusive)

Allison Holker made a devastating discovery about her late husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, on one of the hardest days of her life.

Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer and longtime deejay died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer uncovered a “cornucopia” of drugs — including mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes.

“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker, 36, recalls in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE for its latest cover story, on newsstands Friday.

“It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about],” she continues. “It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”

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Related: Allison Holker Set to Release Memoir This Far in February: Inside Her ‘Really Vulnerable’ New Book (Exclusive)

Throughout their nine-year marriage, Holker — who details her healing journey in a new memoir titled This Far (out Feb. 4) — believed she and Boss had “very honest” communication, including about his marijuana use. At night, after their kids went to bed, he would quietly slip into their guesthouse to smoke or drink.

“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay,” she says.

But as she combed through his journals hoping to find clarity — and closure — after his death, Holker learned her husband had hidden painful secrets from even those closest to him.

“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” she says of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood in several of his journal entries. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”

Related: Allison Holker Thanks Late Husband Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss for ‘Watching Over’ Their Family 2 Years After His Death

While she felt betrayed by his secrets, Holker has also gained a new outlook over time.

“Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with,” she says. “It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding.”

She underscores that she’s now sharing Boss’ struggles — and the aftermath of his death — in hopes of saving even just one person who’s been struggling in silence.

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” she says. “It’s hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”

While Boss — who was acting withdrawn, showering less frequently and smoking morning and night — acknowledged to her that he was going through a low period, he was “very careful about this wording,” she recalls.

Related: Allison Holker Smiles with All 3 of Her Kids in Sweet New Family Photos: ‘Grateful for These Angels’

At the time, he was closing out eight years on The Ellen DeGeneres Show while also ending a run as a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.

Still, “we were getting ready for this big year,” she says. “It seemed like, ‘Oh, he’s taking a resting period,’ which he would say he’s never had.”

In hindsight Holker believes he was deeply struggling with the chasm between the extroverted “tWitch,” his beloved public persona, and the introverted Stephen, a man who yearned to be the “perfect” husband and dad to their three kids, Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5.

“When I would think about my husband at the time, I would think, ‘Oh, I love that tWitch is such a great performer, but then when he comes home he feels safe enough to be Stephen,’” she says. “I was with him for so long, and that’s how he’s been the entire relationship. I was like, ‘It’s a beautiful thing that he can be both.’”

Looking back, Holker realizes his “two very different personalities” were increasingly “battling” each other. “What if he felt safe being this one individual that has different kind of energies,” she now wonders. “You don’t have to be a completely different person and put them aside from each other.”

The morning before he went missing, Boss dropped off Weslie at school. She was the last person in their family to see him alive, and his final words to her were, “I wish I could be your Superman.”

Related: Allison Holker Says Her ‘Three Beautiful Angels’ Handled Father Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss’ Death ‘with So Much Grace’ (Exclusive)

“Having someone say last words to you that you didn’t really process at the time as being anything wrong … that’s really hard, especially as a teenager,” says Holker, noting that Weslie still attends the same school.

“She handles it with far more grace than she should have to. We took the steps to really help her and communicate with her and make her feel seen and heard,” Holker continues. “I think she also sees those words as something beautiful, and also ugly. It’s a battle that she’s going to always have with herself, but I know she can see it from both sides.”

Feeling the full range of emotions — and knowing that’s okay — is what Holker hopes others take away from her new book.

“I’ve been so fortunate to have resources that have helped me that I’ve now teamed up with,” she says of working with organizations like the National Alliance of Mental Illness and Maple Counseling. “I’ve learned there’s so many other resources that a lot of people don’t know about. I’ve had so many people reach out to me needing to talk, and if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that mental health can impact anyone at any time of their life.

“It’s important just to be an open vessel to them when they’re going through it, listen and allow them the space to be who they are at that moment and not make them feel like it’s wrong,” says Holker. “People that have a lot of light, they still have gone through a lot of dark. And that’s okay because you can’t have one without the other.”

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, or text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light by Allison Holker comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Select and is available for preorder now, wherever books are sold.

Read the original article on People