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Allison Holker is detailing an “alarming” discovery she made shortly after her late husband, Stephen “tWitch” Boss, died by suicide in December 2022.
The 36-year-old mother of three told People in an interview that she and a friend were picking out Boss’ outfit for his funeral when they found a “cornucopia” of drugs, including “substances I had to look up on my phone,” hidden in shoeboxes.
“It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue (about),” she told the outlet.
Holker explained that while it was a “really scary moment in my life,” the discovery also led her to “process what he was going through” at that time.
“He was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that,” she added.
In her new memoir, “This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light,” Holker discusses Boss being “very honest” about his marijuana use, per People. She reportedly explains in the book that he would take time after their kids went to bed to smoke or drink in the guesthouse.
“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay,” she said in the interview.
“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker continued. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”
Holker explained that she gained more clarity from reading Boss’ journal entires after his death, which gave her a “better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with.”
“It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding,” she said.
At the time, Holker said she thought of Boss as two separate people: an exceptional performer on “So You Think You Can Dance” and who he was when relaxed at home.
“When I would think about my husband at the time, I would think, ‘Oh, I love that tWitch is such a great performer, but then when he comes home he feels safe enough to be Stephen,’” she said.
“I was with him for so long, and that’s how he’s been the entire relationship. I was like, ‘It’s a beautiful thing that he can be both.’”
Not until after his death did Holker explain that she now views the “two very different personalities” as “battling” each other.
“What if he felt safe being this one individual that has different kind of energies,” she said. “You don’t have to be a completely different person and put them aside from each other.”
Holker shared children Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, with Boss.
Since her former husband’s death just over two years ago, Holker has been open about sharing her experience as dealing with loss as a now-single mother.
In March 2024, Holker explained that she felt comfortable about expressing her own emotions around her journey with grief because she saw her kids “rediscover joy.”
In an essay for “Glamour,” Holker revealed two affirmations that she continues to tell her kids “every single day”: “I’ll always show up,” and “I’m capable of it.”
“I also tell myself that every season — whether it’s good or bad — has an expiration date,” she said at the time. “And if you can just get past those hard moments, you’ll find yourself.”
