EBetween tricks, clever little sentences and fallacious arguments from defendants, the dialogues heard in the daily life of the courtrooms are sometimes tasty.
Macho shortcut. In February, a fifty-year-old was judged for “violence by the victim's spouse or partner or the partner linked to the victim by a civil solidarity pact”, which, in the words of the president of the Bordeaux criminal court, was transformed twice into “voluntary domestic violence”. A very personal and slightly macho concept which suggests that there is domestic violence in his mind… involuntary.
Lunar. His name? “It depends. The earthling or the extraterrestrial? “, asks the defendant who presents himself as a “space mujahid”, billionaire, owner of a palace on Saturn. In the box, he stretches, does push-ups, then pull-ups, drinks, walks around, grabs the microphone foam and sings. “Don’t you want a concert instead?” » “The court is not a performance hall,” retorts the president who, with patience but firmness, brings him back down to Earth.
Happening. The president had warned. Zero tolerance for cell phones disrupting debates. This also applies to lawyers. In February, one of them tiptoed with his trainees to the immediate appearance hearing. He did not silence his smartphone which, obviously, is ringing. Immediate challenge, the president orders him to leave the room under the amazed eyes of the schoolchildren. “You had to be there at the start for my happening! »
The president reminds the defendant of her past as a heroin addict, “or heroin woman, I don’t know what we say now,” he says, very seriously.
Shell. Typing or dictation error. In April, at the trial for murder and attempted murder, there was a typo in the charging order, an extract of which was read at the hearing. An altercation apparently started from a “customer” chair, placed across the path of one of the protagonists. We are talking about a folding chair.
Hey man! There are terms that are impossible to feminize, even with the best will in the world! In March, during the immediate appearance hearing, the president reminded the defendant of her past as a heroin addict, “or heroin woman, I don't know what we say now,” he said, very seriously. We'll say it's fatigue…
Mistaken identity. There are unconditional rugby fans among the Bordeaux police officers. Responsible in 2021 for tracking and monitoring a suspect named Romain Barros, convicted in November for the murder of a retiree, they indicated a completely different name on their report. This is in fact the identity of Thomas Ramos, the rugby player who appears on the report! No wonder the accused claims not to recognize himself in the photos!
Shocked! “In truth, he was shocked and surprised that his fingerprints and his DNA were at the scene of two burglaries that he denies having committed,” pleads a lawyer who does not obtain… the release requested in May, for her client tried for burglaries.
Quirky. In July, a man was tried for corruption of a minor. He has been seeing a psychiatrist since his arrest. “What are you working on,” asks the deputy prosecutor. “On green spaces,” replies the defendant, who thinks he is being asked his profession.
Room with a view. The defendant is homeless. In July, he was tried for damage. He was betrayed by his spelling mistakes in tags written on the walls. He doesn't ask for much, “just a quiet little room.” “The only rooms the court has are prison cells,” retorts the president.
Team chocolatine. On this August day, the magistrates are not in the “chocolate team”. On several occasions, judges and prosecutors say “pain au chocolat”. The pastries are at the heart of the debates before the Bordeaux criminal court because they are stuffed with cannabis resin and psychotropic pills.
“The only rooms the court has are prison cells,” retorts the president.
Flash-back. It is prohibited to record or film the debates, even if they are public. “Sir, taking photos is prohibited. Please stay in the room,” says the president. “Sorry, I didn't see that there was a flash,” retorts a man who came to support a defendant of whom he wanted to keep… a souvenir in the box.
“He asked me to tell you that he wouldn’t be there, he’s a delivery man in Paris. » A cousin sent in his place by a defendant.
Cousinade. The referral request is unusual and unconventional. In September, a thirty-year-old man was summoned before the Bordeaux criminal court to explain the theft of a bag, left in a car in Bordeaux last January. But he was absent. And he sent his… cousin in his place. “He didn’t know it was today,” the relative tries. “He asked me to tell you that he wouldn’t be there, he’s a delivery man in Paris. » “But if he calls you, it’s because he knew the date,” retorts the president.
Macho to. Heard in November at the Gironde Assize Court. A lawyer questions his client. The clerk arrives to have the president sign a paper. The lawyer interrupts. “Go ahead Master, I’m like the housewife, I can do two things at once,” says the president who thinks he’s funny. His two assessors remain unmoved.
When it doesn't want to. The trial got off to a bad start in September. A defendant with the evocative pseudonym, “Bipolar ++++”, who cries about the nullity of the procedure, speaks untimely, calls a co-defendant “handsome”, threatens to urinate on him if he does not does not come out, insults the prosecutor before being thrown out of the courtroom. A Parisian lawyer, late, who requests the postponement of the trial and an assessor who realizes, after five hours of hearing, that she cannot in fact sit because she has already ruled in this case as a judge of freedoms and detention. One dismissal in December and six suspensions of hearing to remove a judge later, the case went to trial.
Terminal. 109 text messages and 71 calls to his former partner in two weeks. “How many dozens of text messages for him to understand that she no longer wants contact with him? “, scolds the deputy prosecutor in October. “Monsieur is definitely narrow-minded. And doubly so! By the result of the geolocation and by his inability to understand that his partner does not wish to continue with him. »
