This is what happens in a man’s head when you make him jealous, it’s a very bad idea

Can we really strengthen a relationship by arousing the jealousy of our partner? This question is at the heart of a recent study led by Gurit Birnbaum, professor of psychology, and her team. Making your partner jealous, a strategy often used to get their attention or rekindle passion, is neither rare nor new. Many have tried it in hopes of building interest or adding spice to their relationship. But is it really effective?

Researchers from Reichman University in Israel and the University of Rochester in the United States first highlight the impact of jealousy at the start of a relationship. When the relationship is in its infancy, seeing your partner attract the attention of other people builds interest. This phenomenon, which researchers call a “copy of partner choice”, is also observed in other species and is based on a simple psychological mechanism: if a person is coveted by others, he or she seems of high value. In this context, arousing a partner’s jealousy can therefore, initially, validate the choice and stimulate desire. “Jealousy, when aroused by an outside person, can initially strengthen attraction, particularly in the early stages of the relationship,” explains the study.

But the situation changes once the relationship is established. Instead of arousing desire, the interest shown by third parties towards one’s partner arouses increasing insecurity. As the study points out, this shift from valuation to threat becomes a poison that erodes trust within the couple. The researchers conducted three experiments on 244 heterosexual couples, including a virtual reality session. In one of the experiments, participants observed their virtual partner being approached in a bar. At each stage, they were asked to rate their level of desire, their attachment to their partner and their feelings about potential rivals. Ultimately, the study showed that seeing your current partner receiving unsolicited romantic attention or advances from someone else can reduce your desire for them, weaken the romantic bond and reduce the desire to invest in the relationship since there is a risk of losing the other. An emotional distance is put in place to protect oneself from possible suffering. This can explain why one partner does not react to attempts at jealousy put in place by the other.

According to Birnbaum’s team, this defensive response is intended to minimize potential pain and frustration should fears of losing one’s partner come true. “By observing their partner being courted, they anticipate the hurt and choose to take emotional distance to preserve themselves,” explain the researchers. These results send a clear message to those who would consider playing the jealousy card to rekindle the flame: this technique is more likely to create tension and weaken the relationship than it is to arouse real interest.