“My sexuality and my everyday life remain two sealed worlds”

Eric* agreed to meet us to talk to us about his daily life, and the difficulties he experienced coming to terms with his homosexuality in Corsica for years. (/Repost)

“I lied to myself. A lot. I was a willing victim.” Eric plays mechanically with his bunch of keys, sitting on a bench in the park alongside Fango high school.

In his voice, not the slightest pity. The young man looks back on the long years when he tried to convince himself that he was heterosexual, with disarming spontaneity and sincerity. Almost as if he was apologizing for being so hesitant…

“When I opened my eyes, I was over twenty years old. For an eternity, I remained in denial. I had no desire to accept that I was gay. Or even, more simply, to being.”

In high school, at a time when romantic transports are legion, where the heart beats a little faster every moment, where the slightest piece of skin revealed can feed infinite fantasies, Eric is subject to the same impulses as all the girls and all the boys his age.

“Of course, I was attracted to boys. But I acted as if nothing was happening. I denied it. If I felt desire for a friend, I looked elsewhere. So as not to give in to the impulse. Not that of trying to seduce him. But that of simply going to see him, of starting a conversation.

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For years, Eric lived someone else's life.

“I've been straight. At least I wanted to be. I've had girlfriends, had sex with them. I told myself I can do it, and at the time it's true, I could do it. But subconsciously I knew something was wrong.”

Even when I masturbated, I forbade myself from doing it on men. I was looking at pictures of girls, or straight porn movies

Hiding your homosexuality from your family, your loved ones, your community is not easy. Hiding it from yourself is even more difficult. “Even when I masturbated, I forbade myself from doing it on men. I looked at pictures of girls, or straight porn movies. I forced myself to believe that I was enjoying it. And at first it worked. But the older I got, the less that was the case.”

Around us, high school students cross the park to reach the bus stops and return home. For, maybe join their friends and hang out in town.
And we can't help but follow them with our eyes, saying to ourselves that, perhaps, and even certainly, lost among these clusters of teenagers, there are boys and girls who lie to themselves in the same way as 'Eric did it about ten years ago…

“It hurts. We disconnect from the world, but that's not the solution. The more we refuse the truth, the more it crushes us. And the deeper we sink…”

I told myself: it's going to be okay, you're going to have a wife, children, a family life… As if that was the only thing to do. Change, difference, scares us.

At that time, even though Eric guessed that his friends, his comrades, and even sometimes his girlfriends were wondering, no one ever raised the subject with him. And that's good, he said to himself. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it for anything in the world, since that would force him to verbalize something that he doesn't even want to feel.

“I told myself: it's going to be okay, you're going to have a wife, children, a family life… As if that was the only thing to do. As if that was the logical next step, normality.” Eric, for a moment, bites his lower lip, lost in his thoughts. “Maybe because that's what we're used to. Change, difference, it scares us.”

I was hanging out in a bar in Bastia, where I spotted people who were like me. And I indulged a lot in them. I felt like I was finally meeting people who spoke my language.

Even after the baccalaureate, Eric continues to play this fool's game with himself. But, every day, the idea of ​​his homosexuality imposes itself a little more, insidiously, on his mind. Until something clicked, when he was around twenty years old.

“It's almost a stroke of luck. I was hanging out in a bar in Bastia, where I spotted people who were like me. Over time I got to know them. And I opened up to them a lot , because I got along really well. They were of my generation, and I felt less alone. I ended up saying to myself: If these people are living it well, why should I continue to do so. to hide my face? It was a liberation, to admit it to myself. I told myself that I had to try and that whatever happened, come what may, I would have it. an answer.”

Once freed from this weight, Eric no longer wanted to hide. From those around him anyway. He gradually revealed his homosexuality. First to his widest circle, his friends, those who, according to him, “had an outside opinion”. Then, to his close friends.

My friends told me: “You should have said it well before, it would have saved you all these complicated years…”

“Many told me they knew it. And then another thing came up, a lot, in their words: You should have said it well before, it would have saved you all these complicated years…
Telling my loved ones, in any case, was also an important step. Even more so the fact that they accepted it so well, so easily. And nothing has changed between us.” A smile tinged with a touch of melancholy stretches the young man's lips.

“However, my relationships, my sexuality, and my everyday life remain two worlds apart. Two sealed worlds. I couldn't show off with my boyfriend in front of my friends. Take his hand, or even more so kiss him. I can tell them about my stories, but even though it's been three years since I confessed things to myself, I still have work to do. I haven't yet found the courage to actually show them what I confessed to them. I know they accept it, but I dread the moment when they actually see me being gay. Their look. It's their look that worries me. What he's going to tell me. I think about it very often, about what I could see there…”

Today, even if I accept my homosexuality, I still sometimes wonder if I am normal

His whole family, his brothers and sisters in any case, know about it. But not his parents.

“I know that my mother will accept it, and that I will remain her son. And my father is the same. He would certainly tell me: why didn't you say it before? But it's just that… a Mom, she's still a mom. I don't see how to approach things. It's not the kind of discussion you can have with your mom, really… The day I'm with someone, seriously, when I. I'll want to build something, then I'll tell him it will be easier.

“Here, sometimes, some people look at us as if we were aliens. We see disgust in certain looks. It can completely destroy someone. I wonder if morally, it is not even more unbearable than beatings. insults for me remain the worst. It forces us to question ourselves again, really, if we are normal Today, even if I accept my homosexuality, I still sometimes ask myself this question.

Eric clarified several times during our interview, he does not think that the Corsicans are more homophobic than on the continent. The problem lies elsewhere. “Here, it's small, everyone knows each other, there are fewer places where we can meet. There is no anonymity in Corsica. It doesn't exist. Corsica , it's my island. I have it in my heart. But I don't think I'll live my life here…

* The first name was changed at the request of the young man

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