RELATIONSHIP – When you come home to your partner in the evening and realize that they’ve had a bad day, at work or elsewhere, you usually want to help them feel better – not make things worse for them. Unfortunately, sometimes comments can make things worse, even when they’re well-intentioned. That’s why we asked relationship experts what phrases to avoid in such a situation.
To avoid couples’ arguments, take a few seconds break, these researchers advise
[Note : Cet article est une traduction réalisée par la rédaction du HuffPost France, à partir d’un article paru en août 2024 sur le HuffPost américain. L’article original à lire ici. Il a été traduit, raccourci et édité dans un souci de compréhension pour un lectorat francophone.]
Keep in mind, though, that what people want (or don’t want) to hear when they’re feeling down can vary greatly from case to case. “Some people will appreciate a problem-solving approach, while others will simply want you to listen to them. The golden rule of ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’ doesn’t always apply, as our needs, experiences and expectations are unique.”summarizes Jessica O’Reilly, a sexologist and relationship expert based in Toronto.
However, below is a list of mostly useless or counterproductive phrases that you should avoid at such a time.
1. “Hey, it could be worse.”
Although this remark is usually said with positive intentions, it minimizes your partner’s feelings about what he or she has experienced. “This can make them feel guilty for being upset, and suggest that their feelings aren’t valid or worthy of attention,” explains relationship expert Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp. “This comparison rarely brings comfort, and often results in a person feeling even more alone in their problems.”
2. “This is what you should do”
For Kurt Smith, a therapist practicing in Northern California, the “repair reaction” is common on the male side, with partners often seeking to explain “either how not to feel bad, or how to fix what caused that feeling” when they are faced with each other’s depression.
“Most men want to avoid dealing with their feelings. That’s why they find it easier and more comfortable to give advice to the other person on how to supposedly handle a problem – like dealing with children, a boss, etc. – rather than listening and allowing space for what their partner really feels,” he explains.
3. “It’s not that serious”
This is another example of a comment that minimizes the situation and your partner’s feelings, which can lead them to feel invalidated. “What may seem insignificant to you may be deeply disturbing to your partner.”recalls Brianne Billups Hughes, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara: “When you don’t acknowledge that something is important to your partner, they often feel alone and like they can’t tell you how they feel. This statement can create emotional distance, making them feel like their emotions are unimportant or exaggerated.”
Even though the problem is not that serious, “He’s unlikely to find it helpful if you say it in the heat of the moment, especially if he’s upset.”added Jessica O’Reilly: “We need to give him time to calm down and consider ways to put things into perspective.”
“When we are upset, we are often physiologically overwhelmed—hearts race, palms sweat, blood pressure rises—and our ability to be rational is diminished. Even if you are simply trying to help the other person see the problem in a different light, you are better off pausing and listening to their feelings and concerns first.”she advises.
4. ” At least… “
Even if you’re trying to be encouraging by pointing out a positive, a sentence that begins with the words “at least” can be taken as a sign of disdain. “The focus shifts from the person’s emotional state to what is supposed to help them feel better, which can feel like you’re brushing their concerns aside.”according to Amy Chan.
5. “Calm down”
Telling someone to relax or calm down when they’re feeling down can have the opposite effect, and suggest that you think they’re overreacting. “This can come across as dismissive and condescending, implying that it’s your partner’s emotions that are the problem and need to be addressed quickly.”explains Brianne Billups Hughes. “This approach can reinforce feelings of annoyance and incomprehension, which risks making the situation worse rather than resolving it.”
6. “My day sucked too”
Generally speaking, avoid any attempt to immediately bring the conversation back to you, rather than giving your partner an opportunity to vent. “It’s very easy and comfortable for most of us to talk about ourselves. Often, we don’t even realize how much we do it.”explains Kurt Smith.
“What your partner needs most when they’re having a bad day is a little empathy. But most people don’t know how to do it, so they end up talking about themselves instead of the other person, who needs a little attention. All of these examples highlight the importance of not rushing to offer solutions or minimizing your partner’s feelings. Instead, approach the situation with a sense of empathy and understanding.”advises Brianne Billups Hughes.
“Focus on listening and validating their emotions. Phrases like ‘I’m here for you’ or ‘That sounds really hard’ are a much better way to show support. This creates a safe space for your partner to express themselves without judgment, strengthens the emotional connection, and fosters a sense of mutual trust and respect.”she adds. “While it may be tempting to jump straight to problem-solving, partners simply want to feel heard and understood as they work through their feelings: only then can we move on to the next step, and start finding solutions.”
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