This sentence from the host caused a bad buzz. It seems to us rather that it was second degree, a provocation. Because, behind these words, there is a worrying reality. Many abstainers, if not all, have already heard that he was “no fun”, much less in any case than when he was drinking, “no fun”, or even downright “boring”. For many Belgians, there are the “bon vivants” on one side and the “boring” on the other. Mockery, remarks, questions or concerns may also arise. Or even worse: incentives to consume again.
It’s astonishing that in Belgium, there are nearly 10,000 deaths per year due to alcohol and that, even if we consider this figure, no longer consuming should systematically be respected and valued.
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”I felt that the comments were going to flow, like ‘You don’t drink. Are you sick or what?’ And in fact…”
Frédéric (not his real name) experienced this type of reaction. A few years ago, he decided to abstain: “IHe consumed absolutely nothing at home, but a lot in social settings. In cafes, at parties, during family reunions, the famous third half. The trouble was that after two or three drinks, it was often ‘no limit’, no way to stop. It was so-called social alcoholism. By drinking, I was funny and able to remake the world. Provoking laughter after a witticism was something exhilarating for me. I could do it sober too, but it was even more unbridled, more reactive under the influence.”
At the time he took a step back, Hainuyer lived in a small village and frequented a local bistro. “The clients were not friends, relatives. And yes, the first time you go back and are about to order an Orangina, there is some apprehension. I felt that comments were going to come out, like ‘Are you sick or what?’ And it did. I was simply saying that I had returned to sport, which was also true, but it was not the real reason for my choice. Little by little, I saw that people were coming towards me less, talking to me less. No doubt I was less extroverted, less sunny. And yes, I was told at the time that I had become boring since I stopped drinking. Not often, but still. Often in the second degree but sometimes also in the first. The first times, we experience it as an attack. Then you get used to it, you just find it heavy. We respond ‘Yes, that’s true’ with a small smile and the affair is defused.”
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”This actually opens up a complex problem. Stopping drinking for reasons of physical or mental health is not easy in our society”, comments Dr Catherine Hanak, psychiatrist and addictologist, head of the “psychiatry-medical psychology” clinic at Brugmann University Hospital, and who first recalls the following: “Alcohol is the number 1 psychoactive substance in Belgium, most of the time generating “good mood, relaxation and reduction of psychological brakes. Even if it can also have a violent opposite effect, especially following heavy consumption. The subject of alcohol remains taboo. And in our society, alcoholics remain stigmatized, even though they are not people who suffer from depression or burn-out, for example.”
“With social groups that only come together to drink or party, there is a risk of rejection.”
”I would say that there are two types of social groups”, continues the psychiatrist. “Those who share an activity, a sport for example, and who then drink. In this case, there will rarely be rejection of the person who does not drink because there is always a link that unites them, the activity itself. And the social groups that only come together to drink, only to party. There, indeed, there is a risk of rejection. The link is broken. The abstainer is no longer in phase with the group. The social limit is exceeded.”
“In addition, in this purely festive context, it often happens that in a group of ten, everyone pays for their round. Now, ten beers was fine, it flowed, it passed. . But after two or three sodas, I didn’t need any more”, continues Frédéric.
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”When they saw me with a soda, they seemed to feel guilty. I was no longer their accomplice.”
For our witness, the feeling of rejection was not the only one to emerge: “I also felt that for some, there was discomfort. They were all there drinking and spending more than they should. And all of a sudden, I wasn’t like them anymore. I had the feeling that they felt guilty when they saw me, which had a repulsive effect. As if I was a mirror and they didn’t like what they saw. I was no longer their accomplice.”
Catherine Hanak confirms that this phenomenon can happen: “The abstainer can be, for others, a sort of pebble in the shoe that calls into question and reminds them that they should be careful.” And the psychiatrist, at the same time, cites and advises a book by a French journalist, Claire Touzard, who has switched to abstinence. “Being sober is more subversive than you think”, thus meaning that drinking is a norm and being sober deconstructs this norm. This book is notably summarized as follows: “While sobriety has always been sold to her as the choice of idiots and blessed asses, she realizes that she has probably been cheated.”
For all these reasons, the abstainer may also be confronted with incentives: “Yes, there was. ‘Rho, you’re still going to drink us a little beer, right? A small one, what are you risking”, testifies Frédéric.
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Are abstainers condemned to give up all social life as soon as there is a pump in the area, so as not to throw a chill?
Catherine Hanak doesn’t think so: “It’s not alcohol that makes you a gay man. It makes things easier. But a drunk guy is also potentially drunk when he is sober. Many people started drinking as teenagers, for example to compensate for the fact that they were shy, inhibited, less extroverted. And when, later, they stop, they realize that by becoming adults, they have gained more confidence, they are more consolidated. And in fact, it may have been a long time since they needed to drink to feel good in society.”
When you decide not to drink in the evening or at a dinner, the most difficult thing is sometimes to fight against social pressure or that of those close to you. However, it is entirely possible today to explore new ways of putting ourselves in “off” mode while sharing a good time and maintaining a link with the group in which we find ourselves. Non-alcoholic cocktails (Mocktails), non-alcoholic aperitifs, non-alcoholic champagnes or sparkling wines, non-alcoholic wine (organic or not), more and more of you are choosing options with tasty flavors in the mouth, but which do not contain any trace of ‘alcohol.
Focus on the “Mocktail”: An alcohol-free pleasure within reach!
Other techniques also exist to avoid feeling excluded. Some, for example, at a restaurant or at a family dinner, leave a glass of wine half full during the event.
For information : https://alcooletvous.be/
