I don't know if you've heard about it, but the United States just had an election. Ah, obviously you've heard about it: it's everywhere! Even on France Inter, the program schedule is cut in two: 50% American elections, 50% Zaho de Sagazan. Here, we walk in musical periods; we had the Clara Luciani period, then Juliette Armanet, and now it's Zaho on repeat. Everyone receives it except us, because of Nagui. With him, you have to have at least 24 certified platinum albums to hope for a phone call. “Who’s that, Mick Jagger?” »
We've been riveted on the United States for eight days. Talk to anyone in the street, even Romuald from Mont-de-Marsan will explain to you that everything is at stake in Georgia, a swing state key. The guy, his only link with the USA is the complete Chips on DVD. But that's normal, because Americans make everything bigger. Look at their Super Bowl: Dr. Dre or Janet Jackson's nipple. And us, in the Euro final? At halftime, we have the “Comme J’aime” ads with Benjamin Castaldi. There, people refrain from going to the bathroom because otherwise they miss Rihanna on Usher's shoulders breathing fire. Their bladders literally explode during the show. That's why they're bigger than us, it's urine, not fat!
The United States is glamorous. Here, a star throwing her underwear is Corinne Masiero, over there it's Madonna. And I love Corinne, eh, but the social discourse and the “I’m left-wing, gna gna” aspect ruins the atmosphere a little. Madonna, she's zero talk: panties that fly and it's folded. She is 92 years old but on Insta, she contorts like an earthworm. No talk about life, just Just do it. No hassle, just success. When Trump says Trump will fix iteverything is said. Whereas here, it’s “Timéo, we’re going to see the pluperfect of the verb s’amazé”. In France, we make magnificent losers. In the United States, even with fourteen bullet holes, 50 Cent just learned to count them and that was enough for him to become a millionaire.
And the show is permanent. Just compare their scandals! Here, our pedophiles are dull, they get depressed in front of Gulli. In the United States, they have albums produced by Quincy Jones and they waddle like little pigs. Hee, hee, hee.
This is why we love American elections. We saw House of Cards, Scandal, The West Wingand we are there, fascinated. Whereas when France 3 broadcasts a report on Michel Barnier, everyone picks up. Barnier, in a mismatched Devred suit, it feels more like Orpea than NBC. And even French TV tries to imitate American talk shows with mugs on desks. But it's fun there, even Woody Allen did sketches in the late shows. At home, it's Isabelle Huppert and Eddy de Pretto who are depressed during the live from Indochine on adolescent unease.
America is us without the neuroses. We are catching up a little in areas like drug trafficking and shootings, but for the rest, we are far away. And so we thrill while watching their elections. Who, Trump or Harris, will lead a country that China and India are overtaking in growth? On the news channels, I watch everything, especially BFM which considers itself CNN Newsroom. Je m’attends presque à entendre : « Hi, I’m Benjamin Duhamel, live from New York, the weather is good, Brian in the kitchen with the donuts ». C’est autre chose que Telematinwith Valérie Maurice in front of a gray screen and rats on the banks of the Seine.
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