The eye of Ovale Masque on the Sharks-Toulouse clash: it was damn bad, huh?

It has now been three years since South African franchises participated in la Champions Cup. You were perhaps not yet aware of this and that is normal, since until then, their presence in the competition had left as many traces in history as that of Castres Olympique (yes, I am taking advantage of the last opportunity to make this valve, it seems that they will qualify this year).

Evil tongues and people who were in mourning last week will tell you that it is logical, Africans do not want to integrate. Others will tell you that even with the best of intentions, it is impossible to play hard in a competition when you have to undertake trips that would give anxiety attacks to any writer of the IPCC report. Everyone will have their own opinion, but for the moment, we can talk about yet another flop for a competition which is looking for an identity even more than a teenage fan of Indochina.

And despite all that, some people wanted to believe that this Sharks – Toulouse was going to offer us the big intercontinental shock we had been waiting for. In recent weeks, the hype has been building. We were sold the reigning champion against the winner of the Challenge Cup, a shower of internationals and even airs of revenge from the France – South Africa 2023 quarter-final.

We were promised a Spielberg-style blockbuster, a timeless classic, which we will still watch with stars in our eyes in 20 years. In the end, this match was like one of those many Netflix films that you put on at 9:07 p.m. to accompany your platter of sushi. After 15 minutes, you understand that it's a big piece of shit, and if you manage to get through to the end, it's only because you can't find the remote control.

Humidity worthy of a Cnews newsroom during the announcement of an attack, half-empty stadium, DJ on coke which reminds us of Boris's worst hours, disco evening, clumsiness galore, choppy rhythm… yes, let's say Honestly, this match was shit. And even Antoine Dupont failed to save the afternoon. Probably too preoccupied with responding to his South African haters, he gave us around 18 breakthroughs, 267 meters covered and as many poorly concluded chances. So certainly, Mozart's drafts are infinitely more beautiful than Vianney's best efforts. But still, it hurts to see the GOAT in Paul Graou cosplay. Finally, at the moment, it is on Instagram that Dupont remains the best. In one post, the guy manages to change the rules of Rugby! Even Elon Musk, the only South African more insufferable than Faf de Klerk, would dream of such influence.

Among the superstars, Eben Etzebeth didn't even make the effort to come. Maybe he's saving himself and wants to offer us his first meeting with Emmanuel Meafou on a bigger stage, like Wrestlemania. The rest of the Boks armada, Am, Fassi, Estheruizen? Not there either. So we had to make do with Siya Kolisi, the Yannick Noah of Port Elizabeth, passing the casting of Nouvelle Star in the corridors of the stadium. Great, the thrills, brrrr! On the ground, however, it's no, sorry, we won't take you to Baltar. In any case, after Créteil and Plessis Robinson you still feel traumatized by the Parisian suburbs.

Okay, let's try to be positive. There were still some funny moments, like when Anthony Jelonch gave us one of his famous races worthy of Sammy from Scoubidou and a tall one straight from the Middle Ages.

We can make fun of his overweight diplodocus stride, but we wonder if at the moment he isn't running faster than Romain Ntamack.

Oh yes, Joël Merkler made some big tackles, too. We felt he was at ease in South Africa, ready to challenge Bongi Mbonambi for the title of best orc double in the Lord of the Rings. The double world champion hooker looked very tired, almost melting on the pitch, like an old Mars placed on a radiator.

But no Malcom Marx or Deon Fourie to come to the rescue this time, the Sharks bench being solely made up of players automatically generated on Rugby Manager. Speaking of the late bomb squad, even Ox Nche managed to get cleared by Doudou Aldegheri. Yes, the same guy who nevertheless adopts a herbivorous diet every weekend in the Top 14. In fact the Springboks are like dictators, they probably have lookalikes to play these matches which they consider unimportant, the real ones stay in the warm and keep strong for the national team.

Some will speak of this match as a huge disappointment. Because the Sharks are bogus, and because the Toulouse people weren't even good enough to give them more than two tries despite an outrageous domination. From Toulouse like Thomas Ramos, capable of brilliant gestures, but also of doing things that defy all the laws of rugby, such as a foot pass for a teammate located 2 meters away.

But I was not disappointed. Because to be disappointed, you still have to expect something. And if you thought for a second that this match was going to be good, you're damn naive. Because rugby, apart from the 6 Nations Tournament and a few miraculous matches here and there, is almost never good.

And that's normal, because there are 10,000 matches, 112 competitions that have neither tail nor head, and even the South Africans have not found the magic potion to succeed in playing 40 matches at high intensity per season. We play all the time, we don't even know why anymore, but apparently we have to play even more, have a Club World Cup, Test Matches in the USA, in Saudi Arabia, in Aurillac or on the Moon. Rugby already doesn't interest many people, but apparently it's vital that it be exported to people who don't give a damn more than us. All right.

And we continue to watch every weekend, sometimes even on Thursday evenings for the most desperate, out of habit, and saying to ourselves “hey, come on, this time maybe it won’t be a purge”. And in fact yes, it’s definitely a purge. I guess it's like continuing to scratch when you know it's going to scab, it's stupid, but human. But right now, I'm tired of being stupid. So I'll see you at the end of the month for the start of the 6 Nations Tournament, you know, the only thing that reminds you every year why you love this sport.

Well on the other hand, for this edition, it starts with a match against Wales, on a Friday evening at 9 p.m., two aberrations in one.

Really, everything is screwed up.

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