On December 4, 2022, Quebec striker Samuel Poulin hit rock bottom. In a long message posted on Instagram, the Pittsburgh Penguins prospect spoke about a difficult episode in his life, during which he had to withdraw from the world of hockey for several months.
At that time, the Penguins announced that Poulin was stepping down for personal reasons and to “focus on himself.” A little more than two years later, the former Pens first-round pick chose to tell his story, without filter.
“On December 4, 2022, my life changed forever,” he first mentioned in a video lasting more than six minutes. Before then, all I wanted to do in life was play hockey and make it to the National League,” he adds.
“Before then, I thought I was a war machine who thought he could train however he wanted, get through any challenge in life and never be affected by it. Except I was wrong.”
Motivation perdue
However, everything seemed to be going well from the outside. Poulin had just gotten his first chance in the NHL, with the Penguins, who recalled him for three games in the big league.
He had just realized the dream for which he had worked since his youth.
“Except that’s when I realized something was wrong,” he adds.
Once this dream was realized, he returned to the American Hockey League, with the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins.
“The motivation was no longer there. It took more and more effort for me to get up and go to the arena. All I wanted to do was sleep, isolate myself in my room.”
He then began to brood, alone.
“I told myself that if I opened up to my teammates or my coaches, they would call me weak or a coward. I played out scenarios in my head and decided to fight my own demons every day.”
-December 4, before and after
But dealing with these negative emotions became too much to bear. On December 4, during a match in Hershey, everything changed for Poulin. After the first period, which he played “with difficulty”, he arrived in the locker room on the verge of “exploding”.
“I decided to leave the locker room to get some fresh air and that’s when I decided to tell someone. I opened up to the team therapist at the time, told him I felt like I had a concussion. I felt dizzy, in a fog, in slow motion and really sick to my stomach.”
The therapist then decided to question one of the team coaches.
“When the coach asked me what was happening, I burst into tears and bawled for 30 minutes. I had just experienced my first panic attack,” he says.
A pause and introspection
Poulin subsequently left the match, feeling like he was letting down his teammates and his team.
Back in Wilkes-Barre, the team psychologist advised him to take a break and take care of himself. This break ultimately lasted more than four months.
“When I started psychotherapy, I began to understand what happened in Hershey. From 2019 to 2022, several events occurred in my private life, but I did not take the time to deal with them. In my head, all I had to do was play hockey to improve because I had no choice but to play in the National League and get results,” he added. he, citing in particular the pressure that came with his status as a first-round pick, the numerous quarantines to which he had to submit during the pandemic, but also more personal events such as the loss of two loved ones, a difficult separation and an accident which left psychological after-effects.
“I never took the time to manage these events and my body burned out from hockey.”
The importance of speaking
Now back in the game, with new strategies to help regulate his nervous system, Poulin concluded by emphasizing the importance of opening up in troubled times.
“I know it can be very difficult to open up when you’re going through tough times but, believe me, it’s the best thing you can do to choose yourself.”
