Frédéric had been in a relationship for 2 years when his partner fell ill: “She complained of pain everywhere, was unable to get out of bed or off the sofa. She missed days of work. At first, I tried to support her. I made her hot water bottles, I made her meal trays, I cuddled her. I listened to her tell me how she felt and I gave her tissues when she cried. I said nothing when it stopped her from taking care of me or the house, or when we cancelled all our evenings because of it. Honestly, I thought it was something related to her period or fatigue. I also thought she was depressed. She went to see doctors but it never worked. It went on like that for months. And then a doctor put words to what she was suffering from: rheumatoid arthritis. There was nothing to do except take medication. painkillers. At the time, I was relieved for her that it was identified. It was after that I realized that it had done something to me to realize that she was always going to be sick.”
“I ended up feeling guilty about being okay, about seeing people, about making love even.”
Because the illness is omnipresent: “The illness took up all the space in our lives. She only talked about that. How she felt and what we had to do to make it better. Her condition was at the heart of everything. It decided what we were going to eat, if we were going to be able to go for a walk together afterwards, if we were going to go out, if we could go on holiday or not. After a year, I was already fed up with spending my evenings and weekends in bed watching series and serving her whenever she needed something. The illness clearly changed the way our relationship worked. We were quite balanced before. I didn’t feel like I was doing everything and I’m sure she didn’t either. But with the illness, it was me who had the responsibility to do it, since she couldn’t do it anymore. The days when things were going well for her, they were still good days. But the days when things weren’t going well, it was harder and harder for me. I would wake up in the morning feeling apprehensive. I would wonder if she would tell me that she had insomnia because of the pain or something horrible like that. And then I ended up feeling guilty for being okay, for wanting to do things, to travel, to go out, to see people, to make love even. For several months, I lived at her pace but there was a saturation. Maybe her life will stay like this until the end and it is not funny at all, I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but I could not continue to live as if it affected me too. I held on for 9 months after the diagnosis.”
“It was a question of survival”
Frédéric is surprised by the reactions of his loved ones: “I’m not forty years old so I still consider myself young. I think that’s why I reacted so quickly. It was a question of survival. Even my family supported my choice, even my friends. I found it hard for my ex, but it reinforced my choice. For everyone, I couldn’t sacrifice myself forever. I couldn’t pretend that the disease affected me too, since it didn’t. Everyone understood that. I even felt that my mother would have liked me to react more quickly. I got “you were brave, you did the right thing”. I know that on the other side, on my ex’s family side, they think I’m a fugitive. I imagine that everyone supports his side. And I can’t say that I didn’t feel guilty. Especially at the beginning. But now, I can see how much better my life is now. I don’t stress anymore. I live my life like a man of my age, free and healthy. I’m having fun. I haven’t even tried to settle down yet. I’m enjoying myself. I felt like I gave years to the disease. And I have to make up for them.”
11.5% of couples in which one of the partners is suffering from a serious illness separate within a year of diagnosis according to a 2009 American study. Women are 6 times more likely to be left if they are the ones who are ill. While we can imagine the dismay of people who are already vulnerable and who are left, how can we understand the person who chooses to leave? Aware that their choice will be judged, some of the people concerned have nevertheless agreed to give their testimony. Here are their stories.
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