Being interested in others, a question of listening

At the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, Sophie Gaches did what everyone else was doing: walking outside. “I walked a lot, a lot, and often with people who lived alone,” confides the 57-year-old Montrealer.

At home, Sophie Gaches felt a great need to speak, to be listened to. She asked them questions and was interested in their answers, with sincerity. “That’s an extraordinary tool, at work and in the family,” confides M.^me Gaches, former civil servant. It unlocks incredible things. »

In a conversation, who do we find most pleasant? Those who know how to tell the best anecdotes or the best jokes? Or those who… are interested in us?

Researchers from Harvard Business School conducted an experiment on the question a few years ago. They recruited 400 people, and had them exchange online, two by two. Half had received a secret instruction: either to ask several questions (at least nine) to their partner, or to ask few (four).

Result ? The participants preferred to talk with the partners who asked a lot of questions. And they particularly liked one kind of questions: follow-up questions, therefore related to what they were telling.

Consult the study (in English)

The researchers reproduced the results in an experiment… of speed-dating. Singles, take notes: people who asked more follow-up questions got offered more second dates!

What can explain this preference, at least at the first meeting? According to the authors’ hypothesis, it is linked to the impression of being understood, accepted, valued, supported.

Soliciting the opinion of others is part of the marketing techniques to retain customers, but also the mechanisms that good leaders use to mobilize their employees, underlines neuropsychologist Mathieu Blanchet. And it’s not for nothing, according to him: “There is something flattering, rewarding, which touches the ego. »

Good for others…and for yourself

When we pay attention to others, we also benefit ourselves. Another region of the brain is activated, the prefrontal cortex, involved in decision-making and thinking, explains Dave Ellemberg.

Asking questions also allows you to better understand each other’s intentions and to collaborate better, he says.

“And when I listen, when I ask questions, the other person is more inclined to stay there,” adds psychologist Geneviève Beaulieu-Pelletier.

Again, it’s a matter of balance. During a first meeting, it can be interesting to ask a lot of questions (which implies that you reveal little), it perhaps even maintains a form of mystery, according to Mathieu Blanchet. But in the long term, he says, to develop a balanced relationship, you also have to put in the effort.

Some people tend to monopolize the microphone, but at the other end of the spectrum, there are those who talk very little about themselves, and who confide very little. “Should we be vulnerable in all our relationships? Absolutely not, says Mathieu Blanchet. But it’s important to be able to count on people you can call when things aren’t going well, and with whom you can be honest. »

Montrealer Sophie Gaches gives the example of one of her very good friends, who, for a long time, spoke little about her difficulties, as if she did not allow herself to show her weaknesses. “One day when things weren’t going well, she called me, in tears. She broke down,” remembers Sophie Gaches. In his eyes, it was a defining moment in their relationship. Not only was Sophie happy and proud to be able to help her friend, but she knew that she could also confide in her in the future.

Mathieu Blanchet cites the results of his “favorite study”, the Grant study. Since 1938, researchers have followed a cohort of Harvard University students and another of boys born into disadvantaged Boston families. The main conclusion of the study is: the happiest and healthiest people are those with positive relationships and warm connections.

“Nothing is as good as feeling loved and listened to by others: we need that,” concludes Mathieu Blanchet.