The words are strong. In a joint interview with AFP and L’Equipe carried out at the Saint-Quentin-en-Yvelines velodrome, Mathilde Gros reveals how much torture the Olympic Games were for her. The 25-year-old from Provence, only 8th in keirin and 9th in speed, missed out on her life’s dream and years of work to get there, so far from the podium. “This August 9 (date of the speed final), clearly, there is a part of me that died,” she said. I remember screaming in the corridors. No one had ever seen me like this. I felt like I was dying. It was super painful. I didn’t know who was around me. I didn’t know where I was. I just knew my life was falling apart.”
Three years earlier in Tokyo, she had experienced the same immense disillusionment. But this time, it was “five times worse,” she slips. I had been preparing for these Games at home for seven years. I had invested time, energy, money. I was 250,000% invested. I thought it was my moment, it was my time. Fortunately, I am very well surrounded. For now, my brain is holding up. He took over because my heart fell to pieces that day.”
The day after the competition, Mathilde Gros wanted to flee, to go far away to try to forget. “The next day, I left for Spain. We took the car and we traced. We did not do the closing ceremony, because for me, it was not possible given what had happened and the state I was in.” She admits in passing that she has fallen very, very low, perhaps to the point of considering the worst. Thinking that life had to go on saved her. “If I hadn’t done that, right now, I wouldn’t be here talking to you. We go so low, it’s so dark, sometimes, the bottom we can touch. I don’t think I’ll ever be truly fixed. Even if I am Olympic champion in Los Angeles (in 2028), that will not go away. It’s a cut, a mourning that I will, perhaps, learn to live with over time. »
“For now, it’s holding”
Has she thought about ending everything? Yes. “I asked myself the question: do you still love this sport? Will you be able to get back on a bike and take the risk of losing? For the moment, I don’t have clear answers. But I want to. I’m well on the track. Every morning, I ask myself the question: how do you want to spend your day? Depressed, feeling sad, feeling angry? I try to tell myself that every day is an opportunity for me to be better. I’m lucky to not have to get up at 5 a.m. to go to work, to have an incredible life. I’m holding on to that and for now it’s holding up. »
In recent days, Mathide Gros has made the effort to review her races. “I haven’t taken stock yet because I’m trying to rebuild myself and because the emotions are still too raw. But I finally dared to watch the videos. We see that there were three, four who were above the rest. The keirin hurt me a lot because I saw myself at least on the podium. Afterwards, I felt like I was drowning as the races went on. I couldn’t find my pedaling, my sensations, or find my way on the track. It was horrible. »
The World Cup which opens this year in Denmark, the track rider takes it as the start of reconstruction. Knowing that the work is long. “I go there to find sensations. It’s like when you break your face on a horse. We have to go back up quickly because otherwise we might never go back up again. I said that whatever happened at the Games, I would do these World Championships. The fact of projecting myself allowed me to ignore the state I was in.”
She ends with more encouraging words. “I want to be a fighter, to be one of the best. And I don’t want to show my competitors that I’m down, even though I might be. What would that mean? Mathilde Gros is weak, she is finished. No, for me it’s not possible
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