If showing kindness is seen as a quality, in the professional context, overdoing it can encourage others to disrespect us. How to remain human, without forgetting to assert yourself? Advice from psychiatrist François Lelord.
She helps out all her colleagues, says yes to everything she is asked (and with a smile), prefers to highlight the work of her peers rather than her own… Did you recognize her? This is the sketch of the kind person at work. Or rather too much kind, specifies François Lelord, psychiatrist and author of the book Be nice but not too much (1). “When we show ourselves too modest, too conciliatory, too transparent, we let ourselves be dominated by our kindness, and consequently, by others,” he emphasizes from the outset. Is it not for the most helpful people that we generally reserve the most thankless tasks? They will always do it, and not necessarily to their advantage…
If friendliness, the true “binding” of professional relationships, contributes to the smooth functioning and creativity of a team… it is not always a guarantee of recognition. In 2015, American researchers analyzed the pay slips of 10,000 employees of various ages and professions. According to the study, men labeled as the “toughest” had salaries on average 18% higher than those of the nicest. The risk of burnout remains, as a reminder, higher for the latter.
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Be less accommodating
How can we “protect ourselves”, therefore, from excessive – and largely damaging – kindness? By observing, first of all. Arranging your schedule to take over the tasks of an absent colleague, or accepting a reduced deadline to accommodate another is always appreciable… But we still need to question the reciprocity of the services provided. Does the person we help generally return the favor? If this is not the case, we are probably putting our needs and desires before ours.
“However, by letting yourself be walked on and never reacting, one day or another you end up exploding with anger in front of your colleagues who are taken aback,” warns François Lelord. To avoid getting to this point, it is better to be less accommodating on a regular basis. Take some time to think before accepting a new task, refuse from time to time to work overtime, or take on a new file… It only takes one or two times saying “no” to re-educate his teams or superiors and get them used to his new limits, assures the psychiatrist. “We then return to the habit of calmly addressing the people concerned to address points of disagreement with respect and empathy.” Contrary to what one might think, being less kind does not mean becoming mean, specifies the specialist. “It’s simply a matter of being more firm, which has no intention of doing harm.”
Demand respect
Kindness must stop when we are disrespected, insists François Lelord. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to learn not to let anything slip. The phrase to ban? “We’re not going to make a big deal out of it!” On the contrary, the psychiatrist invites us to “be sensitive” to behaviors or comments that reflect a lack of consideration, politeness or friendliness towards us, and to report this to the person who is involved. originally. “This does not necessarily involve making a scene, we can also use humor to highlight a comment that we did not like,” continues François Lelord.
The exercise can be tricky for those whose kindness is deeply rooted. Demanding respect then requires work on temperament (management of emotions) and on internal dialogue (“do I deserve to mark my territory?” – the answer is yes). But it is above all a discipline, in the sense of regular exercise. Expressing your point of view calmly can be learned. The calculation is virtuous, reassures the psychiatrist: “the more we practice asserting ourselves in small everyday situations, the more we will be ready to do so when the stakes are high”. During salary or working hours negotiations, for example.
Avoid being too modest
“Excess kindness also lies in modesty,” explains François Lelord. While we praise our colleagues while keeping quiet about our own successes, who will promote our work? If this question remains unanswered, it is time to become aware of your strengths and highlight them at the right times. “Being aware of your successes allows you to be more convincing during meetings or important conversations,” he adds. Here, everything of course depends on the culture of each company. It’s about observing and then adapting to the level of “personal marketing” of others.
Keep your distance
Kindness will also ruin those who do not distrust anyone. “Someone who is too nice can feel confident with colleagues and confide intimate information, without even noticing that they will use it, like rivals,” warns the psychiatrist. It is therefore better to stay on your guard before giving in too spontaneously. “A relationship is built step by step, over time, like trust,” he recalls. If we reveal something about our private life, let’s wait to see if the other person does the same before continuing with the confidences. Modulating your kindness and knowing how to assert yourself remains a learning process. It is therefore possible to be accompanied by a therapist or a coach.
(1) Be kind but not too much, by François Lelord, published by Odile Jacob, 170 pages, €17.90.
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