Sexual revolution for those over 60: a new way of life!

Many sexual revolutions are still to be achieved. One of them is highlighted in an article in the journal Social Science & Medicine published in 2022, titled Sexuality in aging: is it time for a new sexual revolution?. The article suggests that attractiveness could be redefined as being linked to self-confidence, authenticity and satisfaction, rather than being solely associated with youth, fitness or appearance. Although encouraging a positive attitude towards sex, focused on lifelong pleasure, may contravene certain cultural norms, the beneficial effects for individuals and public health support a bold proposition: it is time to initiate a new sexual revolution.

A discreet change is already at work in the bedrooms of many seniors who continue to have an active sex life while remaining discreet, to avoid being labeled with terms like “old freak” or “crazy old lady.” . Society, although permissive on certain subjects, has not yet completely authorized these behaviors. This is particularly evident in the regulation of retirement homes or the distrust of children and grandchildren who often disapprove of their elders’ new relationships.

A Swedish study entitled Cross-Sectional Study of Sexual Activity and Satisfaction Among Older Adult’s ≥ 60 Years of Agecarried out in 2020, reveals interesting data, although specific to this country. 46% of people over the age of 60 are sexually active. Among them, 55% of men maintain erotic activity, compared to 40% of women. One theory put forward in this research indicates that there are more widows than widowers, although women report being more satisfied with their sex lives than men. Among those over 90, around 10% continue to engage in some sexual activity. Another joint study carried out in Norway, Denmark, Belgium and Portugal highlights the link between maintaining sexual activity in old age and the level of physical and mental health of individuals.

Despite these studies, few general practitioners address the intimate lives of their elderly patients. It is often considered that it does not exist and, if it did, it would be a private matter, even if certain sexual dysfunctions can signal serious health problems.

However, a turning point seems to be emerging. As Santiago Frago, sexologist and co-director of the Amaltea Institute of Sexology and Psychotherapy in Zaragoza, points out: “When we opened our practice, 50% of our patients were couples, then there were men, while women women were the least likely to consult us.” Since 2007, Frago has also coordinated, in collaboration with the municipality, a sexology consultation for those over 60. “In 18 years, things have changed a lot. Older people, for the most part, enjoy good health, go on vacation and no longer sacrifice the rest of their lives caring exclusively for their grandchildren; they allow themselves to desire and have sexual relations.”

The sexologist also lists the most frequent concerns in consultation: “These are, in order of importance: couple conflicts, erection problems linked to age, illnesses or taking drugs ; imbalances of desire, sexual difficulties in women, ejaculation problems, fears related to sexuality (such as heart attacks or other health problems) and concerns expressed by men (women rarely come) regarding their gender identity or sexual orientation.”

A new stage between maturity and old age

The days dedicated to Maturity, Well-being, Health and Pleasureorganized by the Spanish Federation of Societies of Sexology (FESS) last November, explored this theme from different angles, with a consensus on the idea that maturity should gradually reduce the age of old age.

Marina, 63, residing in Madrid, confides to EL PAÍS that she is experiencing the best period of her sex life. “My fifties were tumultuous, I got divorced and went through a difficult menopause. A never-ending roller coaster,” says this retired teacher. “As I reached 60, my life became calmer, as if my body was calming down, and I also met my current partner. When I say that I am having the best sex of my life, few people believe me,” she admits, adding that the questions she is often asked concern: “Vaginal dryness, erection problems and age.” She has a clear answer: “Desire remedies everything. The combination of desire, experience and the serenity of years is simply masterful. Of course, the attitude in bed of a 63-year-old is not that of a 20-year-old, but I wouldn’t go back, I prefer this time of my life.”

However, where is the line between maturity and old age? Francisca Molero, gynecologist and sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology, believes that “the start of old age could be around 80 years old. Regardless, those who are currently 60 years old do not consider themselves old. In fact, we want to claim a new way of aging, which remains to be defined, in which sexuality plays a crucial role.” She also points out that those who are currently 60 years old have experienced significant changes: feminism, sexual freedom, the introduction of the pill, divorce, as well as political and cultural changes. “This generation developed in a revolutionary context, and this need to assert itself is part of its identity,” she adds. “In fact, many of them feel transgressive regarding sexuality, in the sense that they continue to maintain relationships in a society that stigmatizes them at an advanced age,” she concludes.

Although finding a good, mature partner isn’t always easy, when the chance presents itself, it can lead to sexual renewal. “It is likely that at these ages, the couple has entered a phase of rarefaction of sexual rituals,” begins Antoni Bolinches, psychologist, sexologist and philosopher. “But the appearance of a new erotic subject stimulates desire and creates a renewed dynamic,” he adds, himself the author of several works on sexuality and relationships, such as Psychotherapy for lovesickness (Uranus, 2024).

Fulfilled women, vulnerable men

However, each situation being unique, it is important to note that “sexually, with age, women gain self-confidence while men lose it,” observes Frago. These older women, who were once hesitant to talk about their private lives, no longer hesitate to talk about their erotic problems or concerns. They have acquired a certain autonomy (financial, romantic, erotic) and do not wish to end their sex life, while exploring individual eroticism, often with the use of toys, he says. “That old saying that ‘she accesses sex to get love, and he accesses love to get sex’ is fading away. The majority of women over 60, if they find a partner, prefer to live separately while being together, because they have already experienced the role of housewife,” informs Frago.

Concerning the modalities of male aging, the least optimistic is that which Molero calls, with compassion, “the vulnerability of the mature man”. The sexologist specifies: “We talk a lot about menopause, especially in recent years, but very little about the changes that men undergo with age in the sexual area. They do not have specialized services or effective solutions, and are not addressed in a global manner, being limited to being observed like penises and prostates. With retirement, the man also undergoes a change in his social role: he is no longer the breadwinner and his role becomes blurred. Many of them see their self-esteem diminish and become vulnerable, dependent and very sensitive.” To this analysis, she adds: “Moreover, they often have difficulty expressing their feelings or discussing them. And if they have sexual problems, the situation can become even more delicate.”

Neither the search for a partner nor the first date are exempt from the challenges associated with age, in an environment not conducive to offering second chances. “It sometimes happens that we need to give a helping hand, in the form of Viagra, to these men who come to the consultation worried, saying that they are having their first sexual encounter and are afraid of not being there. height. This also happens to young people,” observes Frago. “Women can suffer from dryness, especially if they haven’t had a relationship for a while. But there are vaginal hydration treatments and tips to follow. However, in many cases, the desire and excitement aroused by the other is the best therapy.”

Sex life should not be seen as a reality with an expiration date, even if it evolves according to the physical and psychological changes of individuals. For anyone who wants to take part in this sexual revolution, Frago advises: “Awaken the senses, submit to stimuli such as dancing, being in the open air, practicing physical activities, eating or laughing. Free yourself from all erotic obligations.” He adds: “It is essential to take care of the couple’s relationship, physical contact, kissing, planning meetings. In the absence of a partner, practice auto-eroticism so as not to let desire evaporate.” He concludes: “Love and eroticism also require a certain amount of attention, regardless of age.”