Digital life | I love you sweetheart. Did you see my email about this?

Ben Lang is a very organized man. He never thought it would earn him so much hatred. For three years, he and his wife, Karen-Lynn Amouyal, have used Notion software to optimize their household and relationship. His version of the tool, commonly used by businesses to manage complex projects, is like a Google Docs, only better, with “grocery shopping,” “things to do” and “travel planning” tabs.

Some tabs are more unusual. Mr. Lang, a venture capitalist who previously worked at Notion, created the “principles of our relationship” tab. There’s also the “learnings” tab, which summarizes what Ben and Karen-Lynn have discovered about each other, for example in online pop tests like the Myers-Briggs and the Five Languages ​​of Languages. ‘love. There is also a list of friends to invite and a file where they write down memories of their romantic evenings. Mr. Lang, 30, was so proud of his creation that last month he proposed it on X: “My wife and I use Notion religiously to manage our daily lives,” he wrote on the platform social. “I made a demo of it, let me know if you want to see it!” »

The internet responded with a burst of gall and indignation. “I was told that my wife was cheating on me, that I had a corpse in my cellar, that I was autistic,” he says.

However, his approach is not that rare, particularly among people in the tech sector who like to manage their personal lives a bit like their professional lives. For an entire cohort of young people, it makes perfect sense to apply the tools of the world of work to their relationships and their families: we do like businesses, which have objectives and systems to achieve them. It makes things happen.

Karen-Lynn Amouyal uses Kanban boards – a visual tracking system where tasks progress from left to right – in Trello, a multi-use project management tool. She combines her work at Yana Sleep, her small e-commerce company, as well as planning trips and events with Ben. Both also have a Slack channel, named after a portmanteau formed from their last names (with a logo created using AI software Midjourney). She admits that it’s all “a bit psychopathic”, but, she says, optimization has always been her hobby.

Dealing with absolutely all of their relationship logistics in the Slack channel has emotional benefits, she says. So texting and in-person conversations are only for pleasant things.

“When work is done, I love not having to spend 20 minutes doing semi-urgent housekeeping before diving into a takeout dinner and spending time with our dogs,” she said . “Sitting down together to set the agenda is less quality time. We prefer to get together for all that is good, to tell jokes, those things. »

Their #gratitude Slack channel, in which the couple sends each other messages of appreciation for what the other is doing, has become a repository of memories she loves to look back on, sort of like a photo album, she says.

Lessons from the world of business

A relationship is work, but no one wants to admit it.

But the quasi-professional approach to married life chosen by the Lang-Amouyal couple is really not for everyone. People see it as a coldness that threatens the romantic and spontaneous nature of life.

“Sometimes, trying too hard to manage your life takes away its vitality,” explains Oliver Burkeman, an author who has written about time management.

Yet the crushing weight of modern life, with its daily to-do lists, schedules, notifications, and digital logistics, can seem so heavy that any solution that can alleviate even a tiny task seems like a good idea.

Emily Oster, parenting expert and economist, has made a name for herself by promoting “data-driven pregnancy management,” including in her latest book The Unexpected (Unexpected). His other book, published in 2021, entitled The Family Firm (The Family Business), advises using a “business process” to make family decisions (choosing extracurricular activities or buying a phone for a child, etc.). His approach was very harshly criticized, for the same reasons that Ben Lang’s system was: because of its cold, technocratic and detached aspect.

According to M^me Oster, it’s not systems like his that are the problem: it’s refusing difficult conversations about priorities and principles. Her charts and other measurement tools allow people to have the lives they want, she says.

“In general, no one likes to deliberately bring out conflicts. It’s hard at work and it’s even worse with the person you want to fall asleep next to tonight,” she says.

M^me Oster advocates applying a lesson from business to his personal life: make thoughtful, deliberate decisions. “In my opinion, this is true in all situations,” she says.

She’s not the only one who thinks this way. Despite the huge amount of praise Ben Lang received on X, more than 2,400 people liked the idea enough to download his demo, with the option to pay up to $25.

People are hungry for a solution

Claire Kart, 40, bought Ben Lang’s system, in part, she says, because she was amused by all the jokes about it. But also because with two children under 3, the attraction of a better, more productive and better organized life at home was irresistible.

M^me Kart, a marketing executive in a young cryptocurrency startup, has already implemented optimization systems with her husband, founder of a start-up. They use the app Keep from Google for shopping and Google Calendar to manage your schedule. She uses the color-coded Google Sheets online spreadsheet for Christmas gifts and vacation planning.

Since the birth of her second child a year ago, M^me Kart and her husband have reduced the sail. They have fewer projects. “We are in survival mode,” she said. Succeeding in making dinner is a victory. »

She thinks Ben Lang’s system would be useful, but so far… she’s been too busy to get started.

A small minority of people have always used technology in their personal lives. This has become more widespread in recent years. Mei Lin Ng, co-founder of Hearth, a home technology startup, says this type of product failed in the past because consumers weren’t ready. His company’s product, a 27-inch screen where families view each other’s schedules and assign tasks (kids view their morning and bedtime routines), was brought to market in 2023 and is successful among millennials, a generation born with a cell phone in their hand.

“Consumers are really, really ready for this,” she said. They are hungry for a solution. »

Ben Lang was amused by the reaction to his system, online. There was a meme about the rising divorce rate in San Francisco, another about his wife being kicked out of the home, and jokes about having to get his spouse to approve a “purchase order” for any expense. (He himself published a pastiche of his system, with quarterly goals and annual reviews for relationships.)

M^me He and Amouyal used Notion to plan their wedding – a life event that those who’ve done it remember turns couples into project managers. They have continued to use it since their return from their honeymoon. The most criticized tab in his system, the evening outings diary, was, he explains, just a way to follow marriage advice he heard ad nauseam : Maintaining connection is crucial when life gets busier and more complicated. Why, then, not create a journal of all the pleasant things done together?

The scale of the reaction surprised him: “I thought a few people would think it was charming, that’s all.” »

This article was published in the New York Times.

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