In her book “Exhausted Mother”, Stéphanie Allenou, special educator and mother of four children, addresses the issue of parental burnout, highlighting shortened nights and daily challenges. His book offers solutions for maintaining healthy relationships between parents and children, thus breaking the taboo that surrounds this reality.
“Parental burnout, you don’t really see it happening. I was very happy to have children, but I didn’t imagine how difficult it would be,” testifies Stéphanie Allenou.
The special education teacher is 47 years old, and her four children are grown up now. But she still vividly remembers her “long descent into hell” when they were younger, as she recounts in the book Exhausted mother*.
Every morning, we get up and tell ourselves that it’s going to be okay, and it’s gone to hell within ten minutes.
Stephanie AllenouAuthor of Exhausted Mother
At the time, Stéphanie Allenou had to manage three young children, born with little difference, including twins. “who could wake up between one and four times a night each. So up to eight times at most”.
These broken nights cause a lack of sleep associated with “micro frustrations, small recurring failures that make us feel bad. In the long term, this leads to a situation of exhaustion”.
The children with angelic faces then transform into “mini-tyrants who made my life hell”explains the forty-year-old.
The author also remembers the double feeling of isolation and injustice that had seized her in this everyday fight, especially against herself, to avoid losing control.
We feel physical isolation because we are not always surrounded by people, but also psychologically because we have the impression that people do not understand what we endure.
Stephanie AllenouAuthor of Exhausted Mother
Faced with conflicting emotions, parents often find themselves helpless, particularly because the burden of raising their children does not come alone. And parental leave is not enough to manage everything.
Stéphanie Allenou, author of Exhausted Mother
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© France Télévisions
” Children, house, health, papers… Parental leave should not be 24 hours a day with the children. Parents need to recharge their batteries. You really have to go around the associations, find yourself in a group situation, otherwise it is not tenable“, says Stéphanie Allenou.
At the end of their tether, some parents sometimes resort to educational violence. The subject is taboo, shameful. Spanking is prohibited in France but ” the reality is that parents are still losing control“, explains Stéphanie Allenou.
” I also sometimes spank“, the mothers with whom she interacts tell her. ” Nobody talks about it. We act as if it no longer exists“, she regrets. ” As a result, we leave people who no longer know how to do things in a bind.”
The first slap was a detonator. I said to myself: what’s next?
Stephanie AllenouAuthor of Exhausted Mother
Stéphanie Allenou encourages mothers and fathers to talk about their difficulties. “We need places to talk about this violence without being afraid of the police behind it. Fundamental work can be done to help get out of this behavior. We can be very afraid to talk about it, but it’s the only solution to get out of it.”
She now participates in workshops and conferences on parental exhaustion to testify, explain and put words to the problems. A way for parents, sometimes in great distress, to feel less alone and see solutions.
* Exhausted motherby Stéphanie Allenou, published by Les Liens qui Libération
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Article originally proposed in February 2023
