“Since the death of my sister, I have co-parented her two children at only 22 years old”

TESTIMONY – Six months ago, my older sister died suddenly from an illness that neither she nor we saw coming. She was 35 years old, full of life and left behind two children aged two and three, whom she raised alone.

We were very close and his death was extremely difficult for our family to accept. But very quickly, the consequences had to be dealt with. By organizing his funeral first, then by asking himself the most important question: what to do for his children?

I quit my student job and took care of the children

When I lost my big sister, I lived (and still live) with my mother, with my little sister. I was a student and I had a small job on the side. I resigned suddenly so that I could take care of my nephew and niece full-time during the university holidays, from May to September.

This may surprise some people, but for me, as well as for my family, it was obvious. Of Congolese origin, we have a vision of the family unit which extends a little further than the traditional “nuclear family”.

I was raised by my mother, but also by my aunts, who took care of us when she fell ill for several years. My grandmother's sisters are all my grandmothers, and I see my cousins ​​as sisters. By extension, my sister's children, even before her death, were also my children – she was the one raising them, but I felt a real responsibility towards them.

“I kept wondering what my sister would have done”

With my mother at work all day and my little sister at school, it was only natural that I took over caring for them and continuing their education. My life as a 22-year-old student changed drastically, suddenly. With two children to support, I no longer had the same social life – no longer the same budget either, since I no longer had a job.

While mourning the loss of my big sister, I had to learn to live with them on a daily basis. Giving them attention and affection, sleeping less to deal with waking up at night, helping them feel safe… I always felt like I wasn't doing enough and not being there. the height.

I kept wondering what my sister would have done. Especially since on education, I am categorical: I always wanted to educate my children in a non-violent and caring way. This is what I wanted to put in place with my nephews, but how can you be ready to manage these principles from one day to the next, with two young children? I found myself searching everywhere for information, reading books, watching videos and trying my best to help them evolve and flourish. That summer, I taught my nephew to use the potty, for example, and I was very proud of him.

I also had to adapt. I, who have a very calm temperament and have always loved silence, now live in a much noisier environment. It's when I don't hear anything anymore that I worry!

Shared custody with the father of the children

When my sister died, the father of her children wanted to take over custody of her. We had just suddenly lost a member of our family and our first instinct was the desire to respond to him. “Where were you when she was alive?” “.

But for the sake of the children, it was necessary to put this liability at bay: the most important thing was that they had at least one of their parents, and that they flourished. So, we quickly organized family reunions with mine and their father's. Our loved ones acted as mediators in difficult times, and we managed to choose a new organization: since September, with the support of my mother and my sister, I have been looking after my nephew and my niece on weekends. and half of the school holidays. We live close by, and for now, this rhythm is perfect for them and for us.

“I take care of them, but they take care of me too”

When I look after the children, I work to cultivate my sister's memory. With my mother and members of my family, we take them to the cemetery to show them where their mother rests. We have a large portrait of her at home, to show them that we are their “everyday mothers” but that it was she who carried them. We tell them who she was, so that they grow up with her memory.

Often, when we say that we have taken over some of the childcare, people imagine that we are doing them a favor. Of course, I take care of them, but they take care of me too. They give me a lot of love, comfort me, play with me. Every time they hug me, I remember that my sister didn't leave without leaving anything behind: I see her in them when they smile, when they dance, and I know it's a blessing to be able to take care of them and see them in good health.

When they get older, we may have to have more difficult conversations, but this is part of my future and theirs. I see myself growing up with them, witnessing all the important moments of their lives. I will raise them, alongside their other adults, and I will always be there for them. Thinking about that is a great consolation.

This testimony was collected and edited by Aïda Djoupa. If you want to testify, write to us at [email protected], we will respond to you with the procedure to follow.

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