Written by Elisabeth Khanchali
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On the occasion of the World Day of Children Gone Too Early, December 11, let’s take a look at the issue of parental bereavement. Josephine and Sarah have both lost a child. They have joined the Families in Mourning of a Child association and are giving their testimony.
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“This pain never gets old. Even though the mourning clothes wear out and turn white, the heart remains black,” already wrote Victor Hugo in Notre-Dame of Paris about parental bereavement. Joséphine lost her daughter Sonia, stillborn at 28 weeks. Although the pregnancy was very painful in the first trimester, Joséphine never suspected what was going to happen to her.
One day, she no longer felt her baby moving. She waits a few days then calls her midwife. “She takes me to the hospital, the head midwife goes to get the gynecologist and turns the screen. He told me that the heart was no longer beating,” she remembers.
The sky is falling on my head. Everything is falling apart.
Joséphine, member of the Families in Mourning of a Child association
Joséphine gives birth the next day. “Once I woke up, I asked if I could have my little girl next to me. I was told: no, she’s in the fridge. For years, when I opened a fridge, I imagined my girl inside”, she says, devastated.
Grieving was very difficult for Joséphine. “I had no one to accompany me. With my husband, we were sad and we had to live with it. The doctors offered nothing,”she remembers. According to this resident of Vesoul (Haute-Saône), the death of a 5 or 6 month old baby is very taboo. “At this stage, it is not considered a baby. Even my family did not help me. I was alone with my husband and my eldest daughter in this mourning,”she confides.
Several years later, Joséphine learned via a newspaper of the existence of the Familles en mourning d’un enfant association, which supports parents in Haute-Saône who have lost a child. “I had been looking for an association like this for a long time. I signed up and it saved me,” she explains. There, she can discuss her grieving process as much as she wants.
READ ALSO: Choice of words, rituals, presence…how to help these parents who have lost a baby?
Sarah* is also part of the association. She lost her son following an accident three years ago. “It’s been a long time, but at the same time, it feels like it was yesterday,” she whispers. One evening, around 9 p.m., the mayor of his town and the police knocked on his door to tell him of the death of his son, aged 40. “It feels like everything is falling apart, it’s like an explosion,” she delivers.
Sarah was able to benefit from psychological support thanks to the psycho-legal unit at Vesoul hospital. The psychologist referred him to the Families in Bereavement of a Child association to benefit from long-term support. “It’s not a hobby, but it helps me a lot because in society, you have to move on to something else very quickly”.
This association with more than 80 members allows those who have lost a child to find each other and discuss what they are going through.“It helped me a lot to meet the other people in the association, especially to understand my reactions. We are completely upset, disoriented and we ask ourselves questions. Are our reactions still normal?” she testifies.
Balloon launch organized by the Families in Mourning of a Child association.
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© photo provided by Patrick Thierry
We realize that we encounter the same problems with those who remain.
Sarah, member of the Families mourning a child association
The association is also a place where members can talk about their child without embarrassment. “We would like to talk about our child, but people don’t know what to do. They want to avoid making us sad, but by avoiding talking about the deceased, they erase his name,” she explains.
Unlike other members, Sarah turned very early to this association based in Vesoul: “I have been there for two and a half years. I went there very quickly after the death because it is a place where we can talk about our child, where we find listening, he ‘there is no taboo’. But talking about your deceased loved one is not obligatory, “we do it when we feel the need”.
We have the impression of being welcomed into a family, because a family is not only the blood bond, it is also the one that provides us with support.
Sarah, member of the Families mourning a child association
Patrick Thierry founded this association following the death of his 25-year-old son in 2006. He wanted to create a place “where you can still talk about your child, because in society, after six months, you have to turn the page”.
According to him, the association also helps those for whom the death is still recent. “During the first five years, it’s very complicated to allow yourself to have a normal life. There, you meet people who allow themselves to laugh, to go to restaurants or to the cinema,” he explains.
The association also offers training in welcoming and listening by professionals, conferences and manual workshops. For the world day, the association is organizing a day of commemoration in Neurey-lès-la-Demie in Haute Saône, on Sunday December 8.
Contact this association
Families grieving a child in Haute-Saône 06 02 20 70 48
Site internet
