In an interview with Vatican media, Natalia Tarabalka, mother of a Ukrainian soldier who fell at the front at the start of the war, recounts how helping people who are also grieving gives her strength and “the desire to continue to live and serve others.
Svitlana Dukhovych – Cité du Vatican
«After the loss of my son, I had a hard time getting over it, I had a hard time accepting this fact. declares Natalia Tarabalka, mother of Ukrainian soldier and pilot Stepan Tarabalka, who died at the front in March 2022, to Vatican media. He was posthumously awarded the highest national title: Hero of Ukraine. “I still can’t accept itshe continues, It’s been over two years and I still haven’t put a headstone on my son’s grave because I’m not ready to fully accept that he’s not coming back, that he’s gone, and also because we didn’t see his body».
The voice of the young hero’s mother sounds sad, but not desperate. It is not easy to conduct interviews of this type, not so much because the interlocutor transmits his experiences and his pain, but because we realize that we can only partially understand him and that we are afraid of saying something inappropriate or causing more pain with certain questions… But Natalia does not need questions, her story flows and her voice enveloped in tenderness clearly shows that sharing the pain is very human and ennobles both the speaker and the listener.
A promise to his son
“I promised my son, at his grave, to be strong for people like him”, she said. I realize how many people are experiencing trauma and grief in Ukraine. Additionally, my brother had been sent to fight in Afghanistan pduring the Soviet Union and, after returning, I saw how difficult it is for a veteran to adapt to his family and society. Then, when I participated in a rehabilitation program with other families after my son’s death, I realized how important it is to be surrounded by people who are going through the same pain and experiences. Because society does not always understand this loss. Even if you have a lot of friends and acquaintances, and everyone wants to help you in one way or another, it is not the same when you are in a circle of people who have suffered from such a loss. It’s much easier to deal with it with them».
An activity to continue living
After the death of her son, Natalia began to meet many veterans and servicemen, and some of them told her that since 2014 they were planning to create a space where they could communicate, meet their comrades, people who had lived the same journey as them. This prompted her to create the non-governmental organization Discover Your Dream (in French “discover your dreams” nldr) which has been operating for more than two years in the Ivano-Frankivsk region in western Ukraine, where his family lives. The NGO, which Natalia dedicated to her son Stepan, provides support to veterans and families who lost loved ones at the front. One of the initiatives of this organization is the opening of the social and psychological rehabilitation center The warmth of a winged soul.
Natalia and her son who died on the front.
«This activity continues to inspire and support medeclares Natalia, I often spend evenings with veterans, wives and mothers who have lost loved ones. We talk, we share our experiences and it makes me want to continue living, to be useful to others. Because a lot of people give positive feedback and look for that support.”
Our interlocutor says that it is also important to provide support to veterans who cannot return home because the places they come from are occupied by the Russians and they therefore have nowhere to go. .
Preparing society for new challenges
In addition to helping veterans and families of those who fell in combat, members of the NGO Discover Your Dream are also trying to prepare society to welcome veterans. “Because sometimes there are a lot of difficulties in family relationships, between loved ones and veterans returning from the war zone. Ukraine was not ready for war and, at first, our psychologists were not either. Today, there are many public programs designed to support veterans, their families, and the families of victims“, explained Natalia.
One of the issues that may not be talked about often is the misunderstandings or arguments that can arise between the wives and mothers of fallen soldiers. “It’s hard to even hear about these thingsshe said, because the enemy already causes so much pain, and sometimes this loss does not unite the family, but divides it and makes it suffer even more“. Natalia helps these families cope with these situations because she experienced them herself: her son Stepan, who would be 31 today, got married and had a son. “My daughter-in-law married for the second time and gave birth to a wonderful childshe says, and I am happy that my grandson, whom they had with my son, is happy in the family. It is very difficult for wives to live with the loss of their husbands, but they are young and must also understand that they must continue to raise their children and, if possible, create new families. I often meet those wives who cannot bear the pain and do not know how to continue their lives. I tell them, ‘You have to thank God for these husbands you had, for these children, but now you have to move on. For our loved ones died so that we could, with God’s help, live and create a nation worthy of its heroes.”
The NGO founded by Natalia.
Stepan Tarabalka’s mother admits that sometimes people do not understand how she can continue to maintain friendly relations with her daughter-in-law. “I explain, she said, that I have a grandson and I want him to be happy, but for my grandson to be happy, his mother has to be happy. A mother is happy when she has peace and tranquility in her heart. I believe that the value of family is the most important thing in Ukraine today. I always say that if our children gave their lives so that we could truly live, we have no right to waste our lives in their memory.”
Natalia admits that talking to the families of fallen soldiers is sometimes painful. “Because, at the same time, you are going through some of your own painful experiences, but you realize that you have to confront them, because it is necessary to talk about themshe explains, otherwise, if you close yourself off, your interlocutor, not seeing your frankness, your sincerity, will not open up. That’s why I always try to be as open as possible“. She recalled the words of the prayer of Saint Francis: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace» and explained that when she speaks to people, she puts this dialogue in the hands of God, so that God gives her wisdom and says through her what that person needs to find peace, tranquility and a new motivation for life.
The life force of speech
To express your feelings to the mother who has lost a child, it is also useful to put them in black and white:
“I tried to tear my heart out of the abyss of sorrow, remorse and anguish… I placed it on the altar, observing its beats. He suffered, he suffered, bearing the sorrows of the world….But I didn’t have the strength to get up. I gave my heart to Christ… And my heart came back. Two hearts now vibrate in my chest. The heart of the Son entered between the pieces, the fragments of mine. In love, the two have intertwined: the heart of the Son, embraced by God, now beats in my chest, because of mine the pieces that I had exposed on the altar remained.”
This is one of Natalia Tarabalka’s poems. In my poems, I share everything I experience, says the author. “Those who listen to them say that they constitute a kind of psychological support for others, because they make them understand that a certain situation, certain things can be seen from the other side and that, despite the pain and loss, everything has a meaning.”
One of Natalia’s collections of poems is called Confessions of a Madwoman. She speaks sincerely about her experiences and opens a window to the depths of the soul, where she communicates with God. “These poems make believers understand that God is not the initiator of war, that he does not punish, because he is love, that he is mercyexplains the author. For a year, after losing my son, I could not pray like before. I couldn’t understand why this happened. And now, when I talk to families, I see that they too are offended by God, that they do not want to pray, that they do not want to return to Him. And in my poems I ask God these questions: How is this done? For what? And people can see that they are not alone in these experiences.
Put your heart in the hands of God
For those experiencing trauma or loss, it is not easy to deal with the various emotions and feelings towards those who caused them. It is a long and painful journey that everyone faces in their own way. “God’s love and my spiritual experience of his presence in human lifeshares Natalia Tarabalka, is the core that does not allow my heart to harden, to lose its vitality, and which does not allow me to remain in hatred. Because our sons and daughters defend our land out of love: out of love for their families, out of love for their Ukraine. God created man in such an extraordinary way, and I always try to look for in man the light that God gave him from the beginning, from his birth. I put my heart in God’s hands and allowed Him to do with it what He wanted. After losing my son, I really felt like he was going to explode, and I said: God, keep him, because I can’t do this alone».
