Louza: “When you see your mother carrying shopping bags up 13 floors…” – FA Cup – 3rd round – Fulham-Watford

Nantes and the struggle of a mother

« Living in an apartment with bedbugs growing up was a struggle. They are all over the building. I have lived with my mother, at Bout des Pavés, in the northern districts of Nantes since I was born, practically. There are two bedrooms. Sometimes the elevator doesn’t work. Behind, there are thirteen floors to climb. When it’s time to go shopping, it’s cold and you have to walk to Leclerc, a 20-30 minute walk away… You come home with your purchases, you see your mother carrying the bags on thirteen floors. As a child, sometimes you don’t realize. But today, you still say to yourself: “Damn, she’s strong.” Strong for not making me feel his pain. I quickly want to get her out of there. I have always been super close to my mother. This is what makes us strong at this time. When I grow up, I help him as best I can. But this apartment… If I see it today, I tell myself that it’s not possible to live in it. Impossible ! I see the kitchen again… Not clean… At one point, my mother gets fed up, she breaks down, she lets go. It’s understandable. No one is there to help him. It’s just me. I’m with her no matter what, but being young, there’s not much I can do. I endure with her. The love we had for each other and the trust helped us pass the time. Since I’m starting from there, like I’m starting from nothing, I tell myself that I have everything to gain later.

I could have taken the easy way out: go to the center where people take care of you and wash your clothes, with a clean room. I decide to stay with my mother. It’s not ideal, but staying with my mother is my pillar. My mother doesn’t have a car. Sometimes, some teammates’ parents come by the house to take me to the training center. But, otherwise, it’s a tram, then a bus which stops one or two kilometers from the center. So you have to walk. I hitchhike, sometimes the big guys from the center pick me up. Sometimes it takes me about an hour to make the trip. Whereas by car, you only have fifteen minutes… Between my mother and me, it’s hard. She doesn’t want to leave her cocoon where she has spent her entire life. She is a little afraid of “the other world”. We fight a little. We argue. But as soon as we move, for her, it’s a breath of fresh air. I see her smiling more. We have more people at home, we can have more dinners. Whereas before… »

Goodbye school

« Sacrificing your time for football and quitting school is also a struggle. It’s not easy, you have to accept it. I’m 15-16 years old. I’m a first professional, with flexible hours. I say stop. When I go to class, I’m not totally concerned. My mind is only at football, at training, at matches, sacrificing its life for that. It’s inexplicable and it’s easy to say that today, but, frankly, it happens naturally. When I make this decision, there is no doubt among my mother or my loved ones. They don’t say to themselves: “Imagine, you can’t do it?” They are all convinced that I will succeed. Me too. I said to myself: “It’s going to be hard, there are going to be difficult times.”I know it. But I also know that I can overcome anything, no matter what. I really have what it takes to succeed. I’m not afraid of obstacles, of people who can put obstacles in my way, of having a bad match… But I don’t have the same confidence as today. And that makes me say that I have to be 100% every time. Otherwise, it’s impossible. I was always afraid of doing wrong, and I fought against that. »

An annual competition in Nantes

« In Nantes, there is a lot of recruitment from outside. In each category, they bring me a player in midfield to really say: “We found someone better than him.” Except that every time, I show that it’s not. They say I’m too light, that I don’t have the canes. People tell me that often. This is the big black spot on my profile. I battle, I work, I try to compensate, to catch up on game intelligence and anticipation to move forward. It’s true, maybe I don’t have the canes, some are three heads taller than me, but ultimately, it works. It was like that every year until the reserve. But I never gave up my place to anyone else.

I think I’m the last of my generation to sign pro (in 2019). For what ? I don’t know… I decided to stay at home. The others were in the center. It certainly creates affinities with coaches, directors… So it perhaps comes more naturally for them. Please note, I am from FC Nantes, but as I come from outside… The feeling of belonging can be different. What if someone hinders me? I don’t want to say who, but yes, I think there is one who doesn’t help me anyway. He tries to delay, but I always respond. I’m not the first choice in his mind, that’s for sure. He is someone who has a little weight compared to the sports director, etc. So it didn’t help me. »

England’s shock

« Forget it… Homesickness… At this moment, I only think about Nantes. I say to myself: “My house is in Nantes. My family is in Nantes. My club is Nantes. My supporters are in Nantes.” And that I want to make my life in Nantes. For three months, every weekend I can go home, I do it. And even when I can’t, I still go home because I’m so sick. I’m undergoing this transfer to Watford. When I return from Nantes to London, I have tears in my eyes. Lots of times. It’s going towards the unknown, with the lack, the landmarks, the habits… My loved ones tell me to hang on. But I’m directly homesick. I remember playing my last match with Nantes (against Montpellier, May 5, 2021, Editor’s note). The holidays are happening. I’m having an evening with my loved ones before going to England. During this evening, I said to myself: “I never want this to end. I don’t want to leave.” It’s so weird. I have a backlash. When the taxi picks me up from London airport, it is dark. Everything is dark. I’m not at all ready to change my life. I don’t understand the language. Plus, I’m not playing, even though I feel like I’m training well. The turning point comes during the match against Manchester United (4-1, November 20, 2021, Editor’s note). There it was. I also started to open up a little more to the outside world, discover London, go out more… It helps me.

Me, when I don’t play, I’m not happy. And I show it, especially when it’s not justified. How to put it politely… I have never been there to be behind a coach. I have a lot of respect for the coaches, that’s it. I’m not going to be friends with them so I can play. It’s not in my values, my principles. And that was my big problem last season. I’m in the cellar. I try to react, to work on myself. I am patient. I’m looking forward to January 2024 and the transfer window. I tell myself that only January can save me. I find this great opportunity in Lorient and it gives me oxygen. When I arrive, they are last and keeping up is practically mission impossible. I’m going there with a real desire to bring something to the team and maintain the club (1 goal and 3 assists, Editor’s note). I don’t want to think only about myself. And that allows me to be good. There are 2-3 new people arriving. There is new momentum. Unfortunately, it ended badly, but we were able to restore hope where there was no longer any. »

In the cage of the Atlas Lions

« We arrive in the quarter-finals of the CAN with Morocco (2021). Collectively, it’s not enough, but it’s good. I’m 22 years old, this is my first major international competition. I have a fairly average first two matches. I am about restraint in fairly closed and physical matches. In the round of 16, against Malawi, I had a great match, I am in the typical team. In quarters, the coach (Vahid Halilhodžić) decides to put me on the bench. I don’t necessarily understand it, but it doesn’t matter. When I enter, it’s 1-1. We’re going into overtime. 2-1 for Egypt. 120^e minute. Off-center free kick for us. In this CAN, Achraf Hakimi scores two superb free kicks. He competes like crazy with his crazy goals! And there, coach Vahid is behind me and says to me: “Put the ball to Ashraf.” I do. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have very good control, the pass is not in good timing. At the time, I don’t tell myself that I did something wrong. I just did what the coach asked me. I don’t realize it’s the 120^e minute, that it must be put in the box, etc. I don’t have that perspective. It’s afterwards, when I receive all the messages. I see lots of criticism, messages about me, about my family, about my qualities… It’s hard.

In October 2022, I am coming back really well from my previous injury. The coach, Slaven Bilić, really likes me! And I fly. I have complete confidence. I feel free. I score. But everything depends on an action. I against a center. I land with my buttock on my foot, still clinging to the ground. The World Cup in Qatar is a few weeks later. I know it’s dead. I spend the end of the day in tears. They take me to the hospital. My cousin arrives, I cry. I have my mother on the phone, I’m crying. Coach Walid Regragui calls me the same day or the next day. He asks me what happened. He explains to me that these are the hazards of football and that I have to be strong. It takes me a year to digest it. It’s the hardest moment of my career, by far. »

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