Singles: The Benefits of Living Solo, According to Science

Researcher Bella DePaulo says that when she was in her twenties, she was happy to be single. But she admits she always expected that feeling to change — at least, that’s what the people around her said.

Today, at the age of 71, DePaulo says that feeling has never changed and that, despite what many people around her thought, being single has allowed her to live an absolutely fulfilling life.

“Over time, I understood that celibacy was made for me. Once you accept this, you can fully invest in your single life: buying a house, pursuing your interests and living life to the fullest.”

Ms DePaulo is a social psychologist at Harvard University (USA) and author of the book Singles by Nature.

For years, she has devoted herself to studying the lives and level of happiness of single people, as well as the evolution of their role in society.

For the expert, there are a lot of ideas in the collective imagination about the experience of single people – and, according to her, many of these ideas are completely removed from what she has observed as a social researcher.

“I’ve dedicated my life’s work to finding the real stories of the single life,” DePaulo said in her 2017 TED talk, which has been viewed more than 1.7 million times.

“The stories that no one tells us,” she added.

BBC News World – I’ll start by asking a question that comes from personal experience. I’m 38, single, and sometimes I feel like the world is in favor of people who are in relationships. Why do we feel this way?

Bella DePaulo – It is true that couples receive a lot of attention, gifts, respect and even importance in series and films. Everything seems to revolve around them or those who want to be in a relationship.

But this is changing as more and more people around the world decide to remain single. By becoming more and more numerous, we can transform the image of what it means to be single. And we will all feel better.

In fact, if you’re like me, you might even be proud to be single.

BBC News World – But it’s sometimes hard to feel that pride, when scientific studies say it’s married people who report being “happier” in old age.

DePaulo – The problem is that these studies are outdated.

Recent studies that have followed single people show that they are increasingly happier as they move from middle age into later decades, i.e. roughly from the age of 40 years old.

This disproves the stereotype of sad single people crying at home alone while eating ice cream. In fact, single people are already happy and become even happier with time.

BBC News World – What do studies reveal about why single people are happier?

DePaulo – Research shows that when people get married, they tend to become more isolated: they call their friends less, spend less time with their parents, and create a sort of bubble for themselves.

In contrast, single people tend to stay in touch with friends, family, and other important people in their lives. This is one reason why single people tend to be happier over time.

In addition, they know how to live single: they create their own home, maintain their relationships and have the freedom to be themselves.

I call these people “singles at heart.” These are people who thrive and feel happy because of the fact that they are single, not in spite of it.

BBC News World – You talk about “singles at heart”. What are the characteristics that identify a single person at heart?

DePaulo – Singles at heart value their freedom and use their alone time to reflect, relax, be creative, or develop their spirituality. They are not afraid of being alone, which largely protects them from feeling alone.

This contrasts with the stereotype that single people are lonely. Of course, some single people feel lonely, like many married people, but single people, deep down, view loneliness as a positive thing.

BBC News World – In English, there are two different terms for loneliness: solitude and loneliness. Can this differentiation help us understand why there may be single people who feel happy and married people who feel lonely?

DePaulo – Of course. Loneliness is when you don’t have the quantity or quality of social interaction you want, and you feel unhappy about it.

On the other hand, solitude is a choice, time spent alone, which can be very enriching. Many people, especially single people, appreciate this time to think or focus on what they prefer without feeling judged.

BBC News World – This leads me to ask a question about people who, despite being in a romantic relationship, declare themselves to be “single at heart”. How does it work?

DePaulo – In general, these people tend to prefer less conventional relationships: perhaps they live in separate houses or have independent spaces within the same house.

They share their finances less and maintain a balance between time spent as a couple and time spent with their friends or themselves.

They can thus enjoy the advantages of a romantic relationship without giving up their identity as “singles at heart”.

BBC News World – You’ve said you’ve been single your whole life. Could you share your experience with us?

DePaulo – I am 71 years old and have always been single. When I was young, in my twenties, even though I loved my single life, I thought I would eventually change my mind because it was expected that I would.

But over time, I realized that celibacy was made for me.

Once you accept this, you can fully invest in your single life: buying a house, pursuing your interests, and living life to the fullest.

BBC News Mundo – In societies like Latin America, where there is a strong incentive for people to get married, what advice would you give to single men and women who feel like society is against them?

DePaulo – I advise them to be proud. If you’re single and want a partner, but can’t settle for just anyone, be proud of your standards.

If, on the other hand, you love the single life and have resisted the social pressure to get married, be proud to be true to yourself.

Also remember that as the number of single people increases around the world, social attitudes toward being single will continue to evolve.