The world of work has changed a lot since the pandemic: labor shortage, teleworking, psychological harassment… and ethical issues. Regularly, I will try to answer questions from workers and employers about problems in the workplace.
Question from a reader, Lina: Previously, I worked in the office full time. Since COVID-19, we can work three days a week from home. Before, when my daughter was sick, I took a day off. My tasks were carried out the next day, except for emergencies which I handled by telephone. Now that I am functional at home, I feel the pressure of having to work while my daughter is at home. We don’t understand why I’m not available even though I can be reached. This situation is starting to get exhausting.
Lina, welcome to the world of “Secret Parenting” at work.
“Secret Parenting” is the fact that some parents minimize or hide their family obligations in order to maintain their professional responsibilities. This expression became popular during the pandemic, during this sudden transition to working from home and when most of us had to reveal our family and parental responsibilities.
Why does this happen?
Some people hide their parental obligations at work for mainly two reasons:
· They clearly separate home and work. They prefer not to share this type of information with an employer or a team. This aspect is, all in all, legitimate. These people will take leave if there is a child at home, without half measures.
· Others believe that their parental obligations are more or less compatible with their work, or because the company culture sends the message that being a parent should not interfere with performance or output. I see an important issue here.
Before the pandemic, when our children were sick, we took this day off. We took care of them. We put off until tomorrow what we had on the agenda, we delegated emergencies and our colleagues replaced us. It disrupted the schedule, that’s for sure. But the priority remained the child.
What are we observing?
With teleworking, we try to do both at the same time. It gives something like:
· We work while taking care of the children without being fully present for either of them;
· We “log” the child on the TV (or worse, on the tablet) and we try to have our “meeting” on Teams;
· The child comes to see us because he is hungry. We give him a more or less healthy snack to keep him busy, no time to procrastinate over the choice of snack;
· Once the “meeting” is over, we feel a little guilty;
· Finally, we redouble our efforts to take care of the child… until the next meeting or the next urgent calls or tight deadlines.
Does that mean anything to you? Many people face this pressure and react by downplaying what it really takes to juggle it all at once. A stressful, exhausting and unproductive situation.
The impact of “Secret Parenting” has significant consequences:
· Feelings of guilt, stress and frustration;
· Anxiety problems;
· Negative impacts on psychological health;
· Family problems;
· Burnout.
What to do?
The COVID-19 period has only highlighted challenges that parents were already facing. It’s not new that women hide their pregnancies from employers for as long as possible or feel stressed about family obligations and professional responsibilities.
To counter this phenomenon, it is crucial that organizations adopt policies and practices that promote an inclusive and understanding work culture.
Here are some measures that can support working parents:
· Inclusive workplace: create an environment where employees feel comfortable talking about their family responsibilities without fear of being judged;
· Schedule flexibility: offering flexible schedules or accommodation options that can help parents better balance their work and family responsibilities;
· Breaking stereotypes: also encourage fathers to talk about it to break gender stereotypes. They are just as targeted as mothers;
· Lead by example: create work environments where employees feel valued and understood, which leads to greater job satisfaction and better talent retention;
· Training and awareness: train managers and employees on the importance of inclusion and ending unconscious bias related to parenting.
Lina, you shouldn’t have to hide such an important part of your identity. Being a parent is not a weakness at work.
To change mentalities and practices within companies, we also need to talk about it. Lina, your story and those of many other parents are crucial to starting this change, because it is time to end this “double life” in the workplace.
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